Shipless: He's Baaack!
by LizD
Summary: REPOSTED Previously Posted under PenName Shipless Not your typical shipper fare. Written during the frustration that was Season 10. This one takes a pretty HARD look at Mac and her mistakes Harm doesn't fare too well either.
1. Chapter 1

Title: He's Baaaack! (_aka Are those BALLS In Your briefs or …?)_

**Author's Notes:** Not your typical shipper fare

**By LizD (aka Shipless** … The Anti-Shipper, The Ex-shipper, Shipper-No-More, The Late Shipper, Bereft of Shipperness, Devoid Of Shipperhood, Ship-aground, Shipped Off)

**Spoilers:** Prior to but with Spoilers from "4 Percent Solution"

MacKenzie Residence 

**The Day After Christmas**

Harm brought Mac home from the hospital after her accident. He had stayed with her through that crisis too. Unlike all the other men that had passed through her life, Harm would always be there – but in what capacity? In what capacity would she allow him and in what capacity would he accept? The latest crisis could have finally brought them together – or at least get them started down the same path, but she again kept him at bay. This time she used her therapy and the need to find herself again as her excuse. She coupled that with the fact that she didn't want to lose the working relationship they had just recovered. These were the reasons that she did not 'fall into his arms' when he told her that he loved her that Christmas Eve. He wasn't expecting her to melt and become pliable to his wishes – as she had for all the other men in her life – but he was hoping that it would make a difference. It didn't.

It was time Harm made a change. And change he did – rather change back.

"Is there anything I can do … anything I can get for you?" He asked as she settled herself on the couch still in a great deal of physical and emotional pain.

"You have done too much already." She said with a softness in her voice – a platonic, humble, I'm-not-worthy softness that she had been using of late.

Harm hated that voice. It was worse than fingernails on a blackboard to him. The last thing he wanted from her was gratitude. "Coates did some shopping for you." He continued. "You shouldn't need to leave the house for anything. And your car will be fixed in a in a couple of days."

"I can't thank you enough."

"Mac –" He almost snapped, but he held himself back. "You have thanked me … and it's more than enough." He stood by the door wondering if he should say what was on his mind or if he should just leave it unsaid.

"Well, thank you." She said again. She will never know that a simply 'thank you' pushed him past the point of no return.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He had to speak what was on his mind. He needed to say it and Mac needed to hear it – just so there were no more misunderstandings. "Mac, about what we talked about … in the hospital."

At the hospital the doctor had told them that she would be all right. Harm was so relieved that he told her he loved her. It was a simple declaration, something that both already knew but hadn't actually been stated in so many words. He would have followed it with a marriage proposal or at least a proposal that they work toward that end, but he wisely waited for her response. A simple 'I love you too' was all he was looking for – it could have been platonic love – he didn't care.

Mac could do it – not really. She said it. She said 'I love you too' but she couched it. She hedged it. She said "BUT."

"I love you too, Harm." She whined. "But I am in no place right now to start a relationship with anyone … sometimes I wonder if I ever will be."

Those were the terms she used this time – albeit **_less than certain terms_**. It was not a statement of "never," just an "I don't know when - if ever." From "never" to "if ever" in the space of eighteen months, some would argue that that was progress. Harm wouldn't be one of the some.

What really got to him was that she went on and admitted it was not fair to him; he had been so good, kind and generous toward her. Harm didn't want her to love him because he was 'good' and 'kind'. He didn't want her to choose him because it was his time, his turn, or for any practical reason like his 'generosity'. He deserved more than that. He had earned more than that.

This time she took the blame on herself and chided herself for the number of bad decisions that she made. That was also progress – but more than a day late and at least a buck seventy-five short. She finished him off with a request that he not wait for her. She could not and would not expect him to continue to put his life on hold. Again, progress. She admitted that he had put his life on hold. It was more pushing, shoving and _mea culpa-ing_ than Harm could stand. He wasn't going to take it any more.

At the time he took it in stride … two days after --- Harm had a response. "Mac, about what we talked about … in the hospital."

"Harm, I'm sorry ---." She had known that she had hurt him - again; she saw in his eyes that she had. She just hoped he wasn't going to try to pressure her.

Harm stopped her. "No, no, please … you don't need to apologize. I just want you to know that you are very important to me and that I will always be there for you whenever you need me."

Mac was silent and nervous. He just wasn't getting it. She could not be to him what he wanted her to be.

"And I think you are right." He stated clearly. "We were destined to be friends … special friends … but only friends."

Mac was at a loss; she had no idea what to make of what he was saying. Maybe he did get it. Maybe he was going to back off. Maybe he would no longer wait for her – as per her request.

"And I want you to know that as we each move on with our lives." He continued un-mercilessly. "That my …" He looked for the right word that would say enough but not too much. "my … my care … my concern … my interest in you and our friendship will continue to be important to me."

"As it will be to me." She croaked the words out, still not quite believing what was happening. Harm was backing off – really backing off. Not just stepping back and waiting, but backing off. Or was this just some new tactic of his to get her to follow him? Time would tell.

"Good." He nodded and smiled slightly. "Call if you need anything, and I will stop by and check up on you in the next couple of days."

"You don't need to do that." The words slipped out before she even knew what she was saying. The final slap in the face …she would not accept his friendship.

"Well, if you need anything ..." His smile faded and he let himself out of the apartment.

Mac sat on the couch unclear as to what happened, but feeling a profound loss. A part of her couldn't shake the idea that she had just lost something that she would never be able to recover and she had no one to blame but herself, but another part felt that it was just rhetoric and nothing between them had really changed at all. Again, time would tell.

As Harm left the building he felt a loss too, but for him it was coupled with a great sense of relief … a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He had been forcing himself into a mold for so long he had forgotten who he was, what was important in HIS life and how he was to get it. He walked into that cold December night, shedding the bonds that had been holding him back, feeling as if he had been let out of jail. He felt free. Free to be himself. The world was full of possibilities. He had choices, he had options, he could be and do whatever he wanted. He was responsible to no one but himself. For the first time in months – nay YEARS – he felt a spring to his step. He wanted to go flying.

**Rabb Residence**

**Late December (Five Days After Christmas)**

Lana Carlton stood in Harm's doorway. She was a very attractive lawyer friend of his that he had not seen in years. They met during an investigation, but for the life of him he could not remember when. They had run into each other up on The Hill the day before and quickly fell into a nice conversation. She was easy to be with and had a quick wit. She made him laugh which he sorely needed. She made him feel attractive and responded well to his smiles and attention. It had been a long time since Harm enjoyed a woman noticing him. For the past several years when a woman noticed him he was on high alert not to send the wrong message. But more than that, it had been a long time since Harm had noticed a woman. Well, noticed and felt free enough to act on it they way a single man in his forties would.

He asked her to dinner which she readily accepted. After a quick discussion about how 'dining out' in Washington was more for show than for the food or the company, it was decided that he would cook for her. It was the most natural thing in the world – cooking dinner for a date (not just a platonic bowl of pasta). He had forgotten how much he liked it.

"Lana, please come in." He stepped back to allow her to enter. "Let me take your coat."

She handed him the bottle of wine she had brought and shrugged out of her coat. She was dressed casually but very datish and her perfume was very exotic. She had a very nice body. Softer and rounder than Mac's but he reminded himself that she wasn't a marine and probably didn't know 10 ways to kill a man with her bare hands (after all, how many ways does a woman really need?).

Harm was impressed with her selection of wine, but he had already opened a very nice bottle and had it breathing. He nodded his approval anyway. "Can I get you a glass?"

"Please, thank you." She smiled easily with him. "Great place … you did it yourself I imagine."

Lana had been immediately attracted to him when they had met years before and was sorry that he had been involved with someone or at least appeared unavailable. When they met the previous day, she had seen how much he had changed. Not only physically but he had matured emotionally as well. His invitation to dinner was confident and sincere with no agenda – the younger Harm would have been more obvious about his intentions and ultimate goals for the evening. If this older version had an agenda, he had learned to hide it better. She liked this new Harm; she liked him almost more than she was attracted to him.

They caught up over a glass of wine and appetizers. It was nice to talk to someone who was not at JAG and not in the military. Lana was a little left wing, but she was not so far out there that she couldn't appreciate the right's point of view. Harm, being in the service of the administration, took no outward stance on the state of the world other than to say that things were complicated and very serious. Lana accused him of polishing up his political skills. Harm took that as a compliment.

For Harm the evening was going well. It felt good to have her there. He was a little nervous. He was not sure how much interest he should show, and was a little out of practice gauging her interest level. But it was just dinner and it was great conversation. If it ended right then, it would have been marked down as a successful evening.

A knock at the door interrupted them. Mac had come by to discuss a case with Harm. It had been his case, but when she came back to work after the accident, the General passed it on to her. Mac had no idea that he would be in the middle of dinner. How many times did Mac need to get caught in that situation, before it registered that she should pick up a phone first? A part of Harm was slightly embarrassed by her sudden appearance – for her, for him and for Lana. The larger part thought that she would need to accept that he was no longer available to her 24/7. Their relationship was changing.

Mac excused herself quickly and he made no effort to keep her there or arrange a time when they could talk. The only thing that Mac noticed (other than the woman and the candle light) was that Harm did not look caught. It reminded her of his days with Renee or Jordan when Mac was nothing more than a friend to him.

Lana was very intrigued by the interaction between the two. "How long were you two involved?" She asked directly as Harm finished off the salad.

"Were weren't." He answered truthfully but evasively. On second thought a more detailed response was in order. "Not really. There was a time that I thought we could have more than a friendship, but I was wrong." He explained. "We are friends and colleagues and we have seen each other through some pretty tough times."

"I see." She was not wholly satisfied with his answer.

He turned to her and leaned back against the counter. He did not want to play games anymore. He had played them and been played with in the past and he had lost. "What do you see?" He asked pointedly.

"Did you expect her to come by tonight?" Her tone was not accusatory; rather it was simple and direct.

"No."

"Does she do that a lot?" She pressed her point. "Just drop by without calling?"

"We work together."

"I caught that." She ran her tongue over her teeth. She wasn't up for games either and she wasn't about to be used to make another woman jealous. "Are you glad that she did, so that she can see that you have moved on?" She pursed her lips. "Have you … moved on?"

Harm watched her for a long moment deciding if the night was over or it could be salvaged. He chose that latter. "Lana … you and I don't know each other that well … I was hoping to change that … but you need to know something." He paused trying to find the right words.

"Go on." She prompted.

"What you see is what you get." He said simply. "I won't lie to you; I won't mislead you and I certainly would never use you."

"What did you expect to happen here tonight?"

"I expected that we would have good conversation over a great dinner." He said honestly.

"Beyond that?" Lana challenged.

"Beyond that I had no expectations."

Lana took him at his word. She smiled nicely. "Well the conversation so far has been good, so let's see if your dinner can hold up its end of the deal." She grabbed a cucumber from the salad.

The only thought in Harm's head was 'nice save.' The evening would continue. He liked Lana; she didn't play games. He liked being direct with her and he liked her being direct with him.

They went back to the conversation they were having before they were interrupted.

Through the course of dinner, Lana relaxed and felt comfortable enough to disclose certain things about her self. The biggest disclosure was that she was not looking for a relationship; she didn't want a husband, boyfriend or a date for major holidays. There were a dozen or so men that she saw socially and a subgroup of that were men that she would ask to escort her to events (men she would be seen with in public), and only one or two that she knew intimately. She was career minded and had discovered years ago that public relationships in Washington should be limited to political alliances and personal relationship should be limited period. Knowledge is power.

Harm was heartened by her disclosure about relationships. He was not looking for one either, in fact he felt very much like he had just gotten out of a very unsatisfying one. As for the rest of her disclosure, it sadden him to know how jaded she was about the environment she chose to work in. Harm was again grateful for the Navy and its rules and regulations. Yes there were Naval politics, and often they were very hard to take, but for the most part there was honor and integrity.

After dinner was done and the dishes were cleaned up, they adjourned to the living room. The conversation became very flirty and very fun. They had shared a bottle of wine at dinner and were now sipping cognac and coffee over dessert. Both were probably a little loose. She got him talking about flying and what he loved about it. He told her what he could and shared some of his best 'war stories'. He offered to take her up one weekend. She naturally thought it would be an F14 or F/A 18, but he had to nix that idea as he told her about SARAH and SARAH's history.

Lana watched his eyes as he talked about flying. She was reminded of that younger man she met. She kissed him, lightly at first, but then with a little more intensity. Harm had to admit he was very drawn to her and the kisses only intensified that. He had no intention of taking Lana to bed when he invited her for dinner – at least not on the first date. The kiss was her idea and he was reluctant to take it further. It wasn't until she assured him that there were no strings attached.

"I don't want to change your life or mine." She told him. "But it is so rare in this town that I find someone that I trust … and …" She smiled. "Is so damn sexy."

His grin spread across his face and he leaned into whisper in her ear. "You don't want to change my life?" His lips brushed lightly against her ear.

She sighed. "Maybe just rock your world … a little."

The experience was sensual and gratifying, not frantic and desperate. That could be due to age or the fact that they really didn't know each other that well and were a little reserved. Or it could have been because it had been a long time for Harm and Lana (being a true lady) allowed him to lead and set the pace. Something – in all Harm's fantasies – Mac never would have done. Making love with Lana was – as they say – like falling off a bicycle but it felt so much better. There was some awkwardness and some ineffective moves, but they were comfortable enough with each other to laugh. In the end they fit together well. He had forgotten what it was like to give and receive that kind of physical pleasure. He felt taller, stronger, more alive, more in tune with his wants and desires than he had in years. His stamina shocked him. His libido had been reawakened. He wasn't insatiable, but after all that time there was a lot to be sated. Lana took it as a great compliment and enjoyed being the object of his pleasure.

In the hours before dawn Harm was savoring the night's activities and stroking Lana's curves, relishing the softness of her skin, and reminding himself how natural it felt to have her there – to have a woman in his bed. His gentle stroking became caressing, Lana again responded to his touch. Blood started pumping and Harm again needed to give and receive.

She left after a nice breakfast and securing a second date. When he was finally alone, he had to really think to remember the last time he had been with someone. It was nearly three and a half years since Renee. Three and a half years of sleeping in an empty bed and thinking about a woman who didn't want him. It had been a lonely time. Harm never had erotic sexual fantasies about Mac. He was attempting to secure her love and share her life, not get her into his bed. So he had stuffed all his good male feelings down and away. Put them on hold in hopes of a more profound payoff – a payoff that never came. The result was emasculation that affected his professional and personal life. He didn't blame Mac – truly he didn't. He blamed himself. But all it took to find his way back to himself was a major shift in thinking and one night with a woman who wanted him. Lana may not have wanted to change his life – but she did.

Pre-Mac Harm was back! And Harm would never lose sight of him again.


	2. Chapter 2

PART TWO 

**JAG Headquarters**

**First Day Back After New Year's**

Harm was in an undeniably good mood. He was laughing and joking with the staff, he was flirting with all of them – males and females. He was like his old self – his younger self to be more precise. The smile on his face brightened the room. Harm and Mac had not spoken over the holiday. In fact they had barely seen each other since Mac had dropped by – rather since Christmas. They spoke on the phone once about the case that she had 'ostensibly' dropped by to talk about, but that was it. If the truth were told Mac was avoiding him, rather than him avoiding her.

Creswell assigned Mac and Harm to a murder investigation that would take them to Norfolk. Harm was about to speak up and suggest that Bud or Sturgis go instead because Mac was still recovering from the accident on Christmas Eve, but decided to let her voice her own concerns – which she of course did not.

He was light and easy with her and talked about the case on the drive down. Mac was a little off balance. She didn't know if she should ask about Lana, apologize for interrupting them, ask about his holiday, bring up their changing relationship, comment on his mood or just ignore the whole thing. She pretended to ignore it and focused on the task at hand.

When Mac was allowed to dwell in her own thoughts, she convinced herself that Harm hadn't slept with Lana. All the outward signs were there, but she refused to believe that he would have slept with a woman less than five days after he told Mac he loved her. (The conversation they had at her apartment was not factored into her theory.) She also didn't think he would have started a relationship with a woman he barely new. The situation was innocent, it was just a dinner and maybe he took her out for New Year's Eve. Although a woman like Lana must have had plans for New Year's Eve more than four weeks before. No, Harm was at home alone on New Year's just like Mac was. She convinced herself. Because of that conviction, she didn't feel the need to press him about Lana nor did she feel the need to apologize for coming by unannounced. She silently resolved not to do it again.

Even with that resolution, she was still a little off balance as concerns her and Harm. She wasn't sure if she would classify what she was feeling as jealousy or just the tentativeness that comes with a change in the relationship. It was clear that the energy that Harm had on her for the past three plus years (more like five or six) was gone. He wasn't mean or nasty, snide or caustic. He wasn't trying to elicit comments from her or shove her face in the fact that he was moving on. He was just Harm, only more mature than she had ever known him to be and seemed happier than he had been a very long time. He was being nice to her – and that threw her off completely. She tried to be happy for him and hoped to find that happiness for herself.

For Harm's part, he was happy. He and Lana had had dinner once more – not on New Year's Eve – but it did not end with them in bed. They genuinely liked each other, but were not about to become steady lovers or enter into a relationship that neither one wanted. As for Mac, well Harm was probably over compensating a little. He was making a conscious effort to not be snide, caustic or petty with her. Honestly he didn't feel that way (the ego stroke he got from Lana was helpful to that end). The shift in thinking wasn't as hard as he expected it to be. He owned the mistakes he made and let the rest go. They were not meant to be and that was OK. They were both still alive and they were – for most intents and purposes – friends. At the very least they could work together. So they hadn't lost anything tangible.

Norfolk BOQ 

They had gotten a late start so they would have to spend the night. Harm went for a run. Mac was still on light duty so she could not join him. When he got back he had invited her to dinner, but she had politely declined. She was still reluctant to take anything from Harm for fear of him taking it the wrong way. About an hour later Mac was too hungry to sleep. She went in search of food and walked into Harm and a very pretty commander coming out of the mess.

Harm made the introductions. It turned out the woman was a pilot he had known on the Patrick Henry. She had just been rotated back to the states and she was waiting for her transport back to San Diego. They were just on their way out to a bar off base to play some darts and tell some lies. It looked friendly – platonic enough. Mac was invited, but declined the invitation.

As she watched Harm walk away with his friend on his arm, she was struck by how attractive he was. He had a sparkle in his eye and a lightness to his demeanor that was alluring, enticing, striking. He was not the serious, brooding, lovelorn man that she had gotten used to in the past several years – the one she had to constantly guard against; nor was he the bitter spiteful petty colleague that she avoided. He no longer looked at her expectantly nor did he hang on her every word hopping for what she could not give. He was more like the Harm she had met nearly a decade before. He even looked like he had lost some weight and moved better. She had missed that Harm over the years. It was bittersweet to see him again – to know that he was back, but not for her.

When she was called at 0300 to come bail him out of jail she was somehow not surprised. The bar fight, that turned into a brawl was not his fault. He was just at the wrong place at the wrong time and he needed to defend the honor of his friend – who actually could defend herself quite well and who also needed bailing out. When she picked him up, he wore his black eye and other assorted cuts and bruises like badges of honor. He still had it. When he kissed his pretty commander pilot friend good-bye, Mac got the distinct impression that they would be seeing each other again. Not that Mac was counting, but that was two – two that she knew of – inside of a week and a half. She wasn't sure if she liked this new version of Harm anymore.

**JAG Headquarters**

**Early January (A Week Later) **

Mac was regaining her confidence – she found her center and was again 'in the zone.' The epiphany (if that is what it should be called) that was the result of her car accident truly did have a profound effect on her, at least professionally. She and Creswell were developing a very good working relationship, most probably due to the fact that they wore greens to work, but ultimately was born out of the growing respect they had for each other. Mac was good at her job – better now that Harm had refocused his energy off her. She was truly Creswell's senior attorney and the chief of staff – not just the one left by Chegwidden.

Mac came by Harm's office to discuss her interview with the CO of the Petty Officer who had been murdered from Norfolk. Harm had a theory that Mac didn't agree with, that placed the dead Petty Officer at the scene of another crime, which happened that same night. Both crimes were being treated independently, but Harm wouldn't let it go – even after Creswell had ordered him to. Harm felt that the proof was in the forensics.

When she stepped up, he was on the phone; she waited outside - listening in on his conversation. He was in full flirt mode.

"… Ha … no … I'm sorry I don't remember … I did what? … On the stand … what case was that again? … It's not coming back, sorry … Did I tear your testimony apart?" He laughed that laugh that melts women's hearts. "I believe that you do good work, especially if I couldn't break you on the stand … I usually can find some hole in the logic at least enough to plant doubt in the members' minds … well it was still, very wrong of me to do that." He laughed again easily. "I do need something from you … Oh, I need to make it up to you, huh? … for defending my client? … how about dinner? … tonight is good … you name the place … Whoa, you really do hold a grudge …no, no, that is fine, 1900? … I'll pick you up … hang on, let me find a pen … ok go ahead … got it … 1900 … sharp, no uniforms … I may be a few minutes late … right, I will see you then and you will fax me the report? … the sooner the better … great, you're the best." His laugh this time was undeniably sexy. She must have made some comment about him finding out exactly what she was BEST at. "I'll see you tonight."

Harm hung up. He tucked the piece of paper that he wrote her address down on into his coat pocket. The smile on his face did not fade when he looked up and noticed Mac standing there.

"That was Commander Lily Carroll - the pathologist? … She is faxing over the autopsy right now."

"Why?" Mac didn't know what she was feeling. Seeing him flirt, make dates with other woman, enjoy himself … it bothered her. Was it jealous or just envy? Or was she mad because he wasn't letting his theory go? Or was she annoyed that he could turn on and off the charm at a moments notice? Pretty much like the switch he had thrown with her.

"I am making a point to Creswell." He said with a cocky grin.

"And he will be making a point when he ships your six off to the North Pole."

He shrugged. He was right and he was going to have to prove it and God help him if he was wrong and had to tell Creswell that he hadn't dropped it. "What did you find out from Captain Morrison?"

Mac told him what she knew and had to deal with him working all the new information into his theory. Harm could be very annoying at times, but he was beginning to win her over at least as it concerned the case.

A couple of days later, the investigation was complete, and charges were filed. Harm had been right. The two incidents were connected. When he presented the information to Creswell, Mac stood at his side defending his actions and concurring with his theories. While Creswell was glad that justice was done, he could not abide Rabb's disobeying orders. Both cases was turned over to Mac to prosecute and Harm was taken off of it all together to attend to some other cases – some pretty LOW level cases. If Harm cared about the case being taken away, he did not show it. He won his point. His CO would have to learn that Harm's instincts were often dead on.

Mid-January 

Mac had gone to the hospital to see Harriet. The babies were born and all three needed to stay in the hospital a little longer than normal. Harriet and Bud were understandably worried and needed the support of their friends.

Mac was holding John Michael as he slept. Matthew Lee slept in a crib near Harriet, who was also asleep. The little baby in her arms was so tiny but such a huge miracle. Mac was overcome with feelings – her love for her friends, these new lives brought into the world, and her own uncertain future particularly as pertains to children. All her guards were down as she focused on the new life she held. She didn't hear Harm come in.

"I don't think I have ever seen you look more beautiful than you do right now." He said softly.

She looked over and had no idea how long he had been standing there. Her eyes were wet, but she was not about to cry. She gave him a weak smile.

He leaned in and kissed her cheek. "It will happen for you, Sarah. You have to believe that."

Her weak smile faded. Mac and Harm had shared so much about her condition, and they had talked about having children. They had talked around having a child together. He had offered to make good on that deal – but Mac had declined. It was hard for her to see where and when a child would enter her future and it made her sad.

Mac passed the baby over to him and he tried to cradle him in his large arms. For the first time Mac really noticed that Harm looked out of place with a baby. He looked uncomfortable and unsure of what to do.

She softly laughed. "You'll get the hang of it."

Harm looked up at her. "I like them better when I can give them back to the parents." He stated with an obvious second agenda.

He needed her to know, that he had lost the need, the desire to be a father. Lost is actually not the right word – he had realized that he didn't want to do what it took to be a good father, and he damn sure was not going to be a bad one.

This realization was new for him, but he had been spending time with Bud and the boys over the last couple of weeks; coupled with his experience with Mattie and the 'break up' with Mac really drove the point home. He was not cut from the father cloth – he was too much of a chip off the old block. It could have been something he was forcing himself to believe, but when he tried it on – it fit. Harm was not a PTA, catch in the back yard, homework on school nights kind of man.

His whole life he had grown up thinking that when he was a father he would never abandon his child. His work, his career, his duty and honor, would never take him away from a child of his. But as a man – as a man who was coming to terms with who he really was, he had to own that if he were in his father's shoes, he would have done the exact same thing. He if had a child, and there were a mission Harm would go. He would go; knowing full well that he might not come back and that his child would have to grow up as Harm had: fatherless. It was then when he realized that he would rather not put himself or a child through that. It was better if he remained childless.

He gave the baby back to Mac and motioned that he would come back later. Mac nodded and watched him go. She felt like she had just lost something else; that the world was changing around her and she was just standing still watching it all go by.


	3. Chapter 3

Part Three 

**JAG Headquarters**

**Early February **

Weeks passed. Harm and Mac did not cross each other's path much – the occasional quick break room chat over coffee, idle words before staff meetings, a quick playful barb in reference something over heard in passing. For the most part, she was either in court or he was. His mood had stayed positive and it had infected the whole office. Mac was not a wet blanket on his party, but she was her usual serious self. Each day as she noticed the people in the office laughing and getting work done, she felt like an outsider looking in (something she often discussed with Commander McCool). Harm had asked her a couple of times to have dinner or lunch or go for a run, but she was always unable to make it (usually for legitimate reasons) and of course Harm's schedule was not as wide open as it used to be. Mac didn't mind so much. Being around him in his GOOD mood, made her SOMBER mood seem more wrong. Beside the fact that she really didn't want to hear about how he had been spending his time.

Court was canceled one morning and she and Harm ran into each other in the break room.

"Howdy stranger … long time no see." He said with a bright smile.

"Hi." She was genuinely delighted to see him.

"How's the case going?"

"Very well. Bud is doing a good job, but his client it guilty."

"You called it." He reached over her to grab a napkin from the shelf, in doing so he had to put his other hand on her shoulder.

It was a simple little touch that sent a shock down her spine that she wasn't expecting. She could smell his cologne, feel his body heat and it brought up some very old feelings and very new feelings. "So how have you been?" She asked hoping to engage him a little longer.

"Great, working very hard. Creswell may never like me, but he sure is keeping me busy." He admitted. "Went up on Saturday to see Mattie and work on the plane."

"How is Mattie doing?"

"She is great." He said proudly. "She asked about you and said she would give you a call after midterms were over."

"I look forward to hearing from her." Mac wanted to keep him talking, but didn't quite know how to do it. "Are you free for lunch?"

"Lunch? Sounds good … don't have time for it today though." He flashed her a smile. "Maybe when I get back."

"Back?"

"Going TDY to San Diego. Guess the CO is retiring and they need some help for a while."

"How long will you be gone?" Her heart sank.

"A week or two - maybe three … Kate needs some help with a big case she is working on."

"Kate? Kate Pike?" The pit of her stomach grew heavy.

"Yeah, she has been in San Diego for a couple of years now."

"Oh. Right." She tried to bite her tongue and failed. "How is Kate?" His answer would tell if they had been in communication.

"She's great … you know … same ol' Kate." His eyes flashed playfully, as if Mac were in on the joke. "She always lands on her feet."

Mac was in on 'the joke' and didn't find it funny.

"So, that lunch?" He continued. "When I get back?"

"Sure."

"Great. I have to go."

Mac watched him leave. "Can I water your plants for you?" She said under her breath to the empty room. "No, of course not, you don't have any plants."

She followed after him and saw him talking to Jennifer Coates. They were agreeing to something. She saw him hand Coates his key. Hmmm … Maybe Harm did have some plants that needed taking care of and he didn't feel like he could ask her to do it. 'Just how far apart had they grown?' Mac wondered.

**JAG Headquarters**

**Middle Of March – Mid Day**

In the seven weeks Harm was gone, Mac had truly taken over the role of second to Creswell. He gave her more and more responsibility. She was in charge of doling out the assignments and managed many of the mundane administrative duties. He even gave her an assistant, Petty Officer Larry Lundgren. Also her record improved measurably. Without Harm around to distract her and drive her crazy, she was able to focus. They had passed a few e-mails back and forth, but little else.

Harm was pulled off his duty in San Diego and called back to Washington. He had pissed in one too many bowls of Cheerios in his time there. While Creswell was forced to write him up, Harm knew that his heart wasn't into it. The only thing that saved Harm from getting brought up on insubordination charges was that he was right – 110 of the time.

Creswell loved that Harm refused to roll under the pressure of a ranking officer – particularly the Naval ranking officers. It made Creswell's job more difficult – true - but he silently chose to live vicariously through Rabb, probably much the same way Chegwidden had. Harm would never be an admiral and there were serious doubts that he would make captain, or have any kind of command some day, so there wasn't a concern about keeping his record spotless. In each of the reports that went into Harm's file, there was always some comment to the effect of the need for those kinds of tactics. They were very subtle, but Harm saw them. Creswell did love all those Navy types having to call him (the big bad Marine) to rein in his 'Navy dog'. Creswell was careful not to show that side of him to Harm.

Harm had been back from San Diego less than three days when Mac went to the Patrick Henry for an investigation. She had assigned Harm to assist, but he was still in the doghouse. Sturgis took the assignment. They did find time to have that lunch before she left, but just about the time they were running out of business and friends to discuss and were about get personal, it was cut short.

Something clicked in her while she was on the Henry. Seeing him again and being on an aircraft carrier brought up some old and new feelings. Maybe it was the smell of jet fuel, the constant launching and landing of planes or being around all those pilots. Regardless of what it was, Mac found that she wanted to talk to Harm about a lot of different things – nothing business related. On her way back, she found herself excited and nervous. She really had missed him and wanted to tell him that – and more. She wanted to tell him about her positive feelings toward her job and her future and how much she wanted him to be in that future. She had hopes that they would spend some personal time together. Maybe they could finally have that talk. She was ready. It didn't really occur to her that she might have been too late in spite of the past few months.

Mac entered JAG HQ and went directly to Harm's office. He had been in court that morning, but she knew he would be preparing for closing arguments over lunch. She entered his office without knocking and found Harm conversing with a very beautiful woman. She was about Harm's age and was clearly his type – flowy, blonde, sexy, smart.

Harm stood immediately at Mac's entrance, more out of habit than any respect he had for Mac.

"Colonel Sarah MacKenzie, this is Maya Nelson." It wasn't enough; he needed to say more. "Mac, Maya is Admiral Boone's daughter."

Mac maintained her composure and was able to exchange pleasantries with Maya, but she couldn't escape the feeling that Maya's presence ruined Mac's plans for the 'talk'. Harm and Maya looked really good together. Mac's first thought was what their children would look like. They were too perfect for each other – physically anyway. Clearly by they way they talked to each other, this was not a first meeting. They knew each other well. Though her outward resolve did not show it, her heart sank. How perfect would it be for Harm to marry his father's best friend's daughter?

Mac feigned business as her reason for interrupting them and said she would discuss it with Harm later. She found herself hiding in her office cursing the fates and the time that she had let pass. A few short months ago, Harm was hers for the taking, but now … now he was out of reach.

**JAG Headquarters**

**First Week In April – Early Morning**

Harm had been keeping himself very busy between work, dating and Mattie (who he saw almost twice a month). He was enjoying his new lease on life and if truth were told, he was enjoying the company of women – all women. He met them anywhere, he had forgotten how easy it was to meet women – not THE woman, not a woman he would change his life for, but a woman he would enjoy talking to, having dinner with, something. There was one woman he met at the gym a few weeks back. He was waiting to shoot some hoops with Turner and she challenged him to a game. Turned out she was a professional basketball player and she kicked his ass up and down the court. Harm took it well, and they had made a couple more dates for what he called 'lessons.' He was dating a lot, nearly three times a week. The dates didn't always include cooking or a meal of some kind. He didn't sleep with all of them – but a few – enough to remind him what he enjoyed about women and what he loved about being a man. He was not interested in finding a wife or even a girlfriend. He felt young and he wasn't bothered by the idea that at 40 he should be married with children. Harm had accepted the fact that he was destined to be a single man. It fit better than the mold he was trying to force himself into with Mattie and – to a certain extent - Mac.

Harm arrived for work early that April morning. Mac was already there. It has been a very long time since they had just sat and talked. Harm saw her working and it struck him how much he had missed her. The feelings he had for Mac – the love he had for her – did not go away. He did love her, he cared for her, he even liked and respected her. But his perception of what that love meant and what should be done with it had been drastically altered since Christmas. He was able to like her, love her, accept her – warts and all – more easily as soon as he was able to let go of the misguided idea that they _had to have_ something more than friendship. He had his regrets and he thought Mac did too. But he tried to be very philosophic about it – if it was SUPPOSED to happen, it would have. The fact that it didn't but yet they still cared for each other was a testament to something and he chose to honor that, rather than bemoan the loss. It was growth.

He called to Mac who was buried in a case file. "You're in early."

She looked up. Her delight as seeing him was somehow restrained. She wouldn't give into it. "You too."

"I am heading out early today." He left the 'big plans for the weekend' comment silent. "But I still need to get a full day in." He came in and sat down. "What's your reason?"

"Opening arguments on Monday." She was going to leave it at that, but thought she would test the waters. "I have plans this weekend and won't be able to get any work done."

He nodded. If there was a curiosity in her plans, he did not show it. "Weekends should be about 'plans' and not work, but since you are Creswell's second – I am sure you don't get too many free."

"No, not many." It didn't work. She wanted him to care that she was not all about work. She did have plans that weekend, and they did include a man – she was having her kitchen floor replaced.

"I am headed in for coffee, do you need a refill?" He got up and moved to the door.

"I'm good." She said softly, sorry to see him go.

He nodded and turned to leave.

"Harm?" She called weakly.

He turned back.

"It's good to see you."

His face broke into a broad smile. "We should do lunch or dinner … soon … catch up."

He said it with such ease that she didn't know if he really meant it or if it was just something to say to make the parting easier. "Sure."

"Should we make a date?" He stepped back. Harm had gotten good at making dates. "Can you pencil me in on your busy schedule."

"My social calendar is not as full --." She was going to say 'as yours' but she stopped herself. "What about next week?"

"Tuesday?"

She nodded.

"Dinner … that new Japanese place?"

"Sounds good."

He smiled again. "Good, I'll pick you up right here. 1800."

She agreed and he left.

Mac was torn about her feelings about this 'date.' It wasn't a date date; it was two old friends – colleagues – catching up. If it were a date date he would have picked her up at her apartment. One thing seemed slightly different; he had a confidence with her that she didn't remember him ever showing. Harm had always been too noncommittal with her in the past. Their dinners, lunches and private times were almost always spontaneous - opportunistic. Very little was planned for. This date for dinner felt different.

She tried to shrug it off, but something occurred to her. Harm was dating; he was dating a lot. She knew that. It was not unusual for Harm to meet someone in the course of an investigation or at the line at the cleaners and make a date for dinner, hang-gliding, running in the park. Was he lumping her in, treating her like one of the women he was dating? Was she just another female to pass some time with and stroke his over inflated ego? Shouldn't she rank higher on his scale of importance - after everything they had been through together?

Mac stewed for the next few days and when Tuesday morning came, she cancelled the dinner. If Harm were disappointed it didn't show. He just smiled and said that they would do it another time.

Harm was disappointed; he knew that her feigned work related excuse was not the reason she cancelled dinner. Mac was still keeping him at bay and she no longer had a reason. He didn't want anything from her. He couldn't shake the feeling that she was annoyed with him. He didn't know why. He was going out of his way to be genuine and real with her – honest, even open. It was just another in a long list of reasons why Harm and Mac were never meant to be. They always thought the worst of the other – at least as it concerned their motivations about each other.


	4. Chapter 4

Part Four 

**JAG Headquarters**

**Late May**

Harm and Mac were summoned to Creswell's office. He told them that they were expected to attend a reception for the new SecNav the following night. It wasn't an order so much as it was a special request. It was vital that there be a good show of support at the reception. Creswell himself would not be able to attend. He had been called out of town.

In the break room later, Mac was getting her lunch and Harm came in to get more coffee.

They had been friendly toward each other over the last several weeks. They had lunch a couple of times, but never made their dinner. Very little of a personal nature was discussed at lunch. It was all kept very superficial and friendly, professional and safe. Harm was continuing to be consistent with her and allowed her to make most of the moves, which is not to say that he was avoiding her or letting her lead, he just didn't want to step on her toes. They had been on a couple of investigations recently and worked well together. He liked that part.

"So are you bringing a date?" She asked hoping the snideness she was feeling did not come out in her voice.

"No, can't imagine this is going to be much fun." He looked over at her. "Are you?"

"No. I wouldn't do that to anyone." She smiled. At least they agreed that neither one was looking forward to this command performance.

"I am glad you are going, your company will be the only thing that makes it bearable." He turned completely toward her. "Would you consider letting me escort you?" He asked.

"You?" She looked up into his eyes and saw a genuine request. Her heart melted.

"It would be my honor, Sarah." He said formally.

"Thank you." How long had she been waiting for him to ask her out – ask her out when she was prepared to say 'yes'?

He smiled a smile he had saved for her. "How about this? We go together, make an appearance, shake hands with all the people we are supposed to, dance a little and then I will take you out for a late supper."

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to." He did not break into a smile or grin in any way, he was earnest and sincere.

She thought for a moment. If he were treating her just like any other woman that came across his path, she didn't care. It felt nice to have him offer and it would be nice to be taken out on a date. "Thank you, I would really enjoy that."

"Good."

They made final arrangements for the event. Harm wasn't thinking of it as a date – at least not a date date. Mac was.

**The Following Night**

For the next day and a half Mac thought of little else. She planned and replanned what she was going to wear. It never occurred to her to wear her uniform. Harm was going to be wearing his summer dress whites, so she at first chose a deep navy blue off the shoulder number, but thought better of it. She didn't look as good in navy as she did in other colors. Then she remembered a gold (more champagne color) strapless that she had originally planned to wear to Admiral Chegwidden's retirement party (until she realized that 1) she didn't have a date, 2) it was the day of the laparoscopy and 3) mess dress uniforms were required). Anyway, the gold dress would be a prefect compliment to Harm's medals. The strapless part was a bit of a concern (she had lost a little weight since she bought it), but she had the perfect … undergarments and she was grateful she had been going to the tanning salon for the past several months (that was McCool's idea – light therapy). She got into see the hairstylist early that morning, and was given a quick lesson on how to do her hair for the night – up and loose with tendrils to accentuate her neck and to soften the frame around her face. The only thing she was missing were shoes, she feigned an interview with a client and took a long lunch to find the perfect pair – strapped and spiked.

Harm left early. He said he had a meeting with someone at Bethesda and told her that he would not be late. She was in a good mood and made a joke about his chronic lateness and would expect nothing less that night. It didn't even cross her mind to ask who he was going to see at Bethesda.

He laughed easily with her and replied "You'd be surprised, colonel, how much people can change."

Mac didn't take that as a warning – at least not the warning she should have. Rather she took it as a promise of good things to come that night.

**MacKenzie Residence**

**That Evening**

Harm was indeed on time and dressed impeccably in his dress whites – all buttons, medals and wings polished to a brilliant shine. He was surprised to see Mac in that dress – that was a date dress. That dress should be saved for you lover, not your colleague/friend. She was stunning, a little thin, but absolutely jaw-droppingly gorgeous. Harm had to remind himself that they were colleagues and friends – friends who were still not quite comfortable with each other. It would be hard to do with her dressed like that.

"Wow, marine, you sure do clean up well." He tried to be light and easy – friendly, but what he was feeling was far from friendly – or rather it was TOO friendly.

Mac took that as high praise and gave him a very soft sexy smile.

"Looks like you have been cutting back on the Beltway Burgers too." He added playfully.

"A woman has to watch her girlish figure." She did a slow turn so he could admire her from all sides.

"I know someone who would be happy to watch that figure – but no one would call it 'girlish'." No, Mac was all woman and he did admire her; he had always 'admired' her.

Mac was satisfied with the reaction she was getting and left to go put on the final touch. It was a perfume she had spent way too much money for, but when she passed the perfume department with her gold, spiky, strappy heels in her hand, she couldn't help herself.

Harm took a deep breath when she was out of the room. It would be a long night. Here she was, Mac in all her sexy glory (a side of her he only saw maybe a handful of times over the past years) and she was his date for the evening. 'Remember that Rabb.' He told himself. 'For the evening – and not all evening. Behave yourself.' Good advice.

When she came back, and announced that she was ready, he noticed that she was wearing the same perfume that Lana had worn that first night. It was exotic and erotic and it stirred his desire. He helped her on with her rap and took the opportunity to let his mind go where his body so desperately wanted to go. She leaned into him and brushed her body against his ever so slightly. Her message was clear.

If she were any other woman, Harm would have kissed her and taken her to bed right then and there.

"Are you ready to go?" She asked stirring him back to reality.

"I am." He croaked. It was going to be a long night; Harm had no idea exactly how long.

He offered her his arm and led her from the apartment. She had a smile on her face that Harm had not seen since he could remember. It occurred to him that she probably had not been getting the kind of attention a beautiful woman should get from a man. She was a woman and a senior officer in a male dominated environment; she wore uniforms 99 of the time - uniforms that hid or at least obscured her natural beauty and the oak leaves on her collar demanded respect – not dinner dates. He didn't know for sure, but he suspected that she had not been out on a date since Webb, and he would hardly call what she and Webb had as ego boosting.

Where would she meet a man? He had no trouble meeting women, but Harm was a little more trusting, open, less discriminating. A dinner date for him was just that – a few hours of food and conversation. For Mac, he suspected, it was a little more – for most women it was more. Women had to keep their guard up. Women had the power of NO, but some men still felt that they could press the issue. Yes, it was easier for a man. He wasn't being sexist; he was accepting a commonly believed fact.

Well, he would make it safe and easier for her that night. She would not have to say NO, but she would reap all the benefit of being escorted but a man. He would treat her like a lady. He would be attentive and interested, very much the officer and the gentleman that he was. Don't be confused, this would not be hard to do for Harm, nor was he hard pressed to find the energy to do that for Mac. In fact, he was looking forward to it. He had expected that night to be another restrained evening where each was trying not to say too much, yet soliciting anything they could from the other. He would not allow that to happen. This was a date, their first date. They had never had a chance for a real date before – too many complications, too many repercussions, too much at stake. But now that they agreed that there was no future, he could be with her who he had wanted to be. No need to fear or pursue a nonexistent future.

The Reception for The New SecNav 

Harm and Mac walked in fashionably late. Most of the guests had arrived and the drinks were beginning to flow. Harm wanted to keep his wits about him, at least as long as they were there, so he opted for soda water, same as Mac. An old friend of Creswell's pulled Mac away, just before the new congressman from Michigan (Bobbi Latham's successor) found Harm. He watched Mac across the crowded room. He could tell that she felt beautiful by the way she held herself. She was getting a great deal of attention from men. He also noticed that she looked for him in the crowd – the smile that came across her face when she saw that he was watching her was worth being out of earshot.

She loved that he was watching her, she even felt a little like she was performing for him. She couldn't tell you what she said or to whom she was talking, her thoughts were on the man watching her. There were a few times when he made it back over to her, but one or the other of them was pulled away. It was interesting that they had been working together for nearly ten years, and they had very different associates and almost no mutual ones.

The music was playing and Mac was asked to dance by several men. She obliged them all. Harm was in no humor to dance, he would have if it were with Mac, so he stayed on the edges of the room keeping his eye on her and making sure he made the rounds. It needed to get back to Creswell that they were there.

At one point Harm was caught in a conversation about the military advantages of the F/A 18 over the F-14, it distracted him a little. He had lost Mac in the crowd. When he found her again, she was talking to a man who clearly had had too much to drink. She was trying very politely to get away from him and by the looks of it had been for some time. Harm excused himself and went immediately to her rescue.

"Sarah … I have been looking for you." He said with a bright smile, but a wary eye on the man. "You promised to dance with me this evening."

She was very grateful for the rescue. "I did."

He reached his hand out to her, across the man, forcing him to step back. Mac took it, excused herself and allowed Harm to lead her to the dance floor. He wrapped her up in a protective hold, and proceeded to move them to the music. He didn't speak until they were far enough away from the man.

"Who was that?" He looked down into her face again struck by her beauty and intoxicated by her perfume.

"Not really sure." She pressed against him. "I think he said something about being a civilian contractor." She wasn't listening to what she was saying; she was lost in Harm's eyes. "He claimed to know General Creswell."

"I'm sorry." He said with a slight smile. He wanted to give her his excuse that he saw that she was enjoying the attention of other men and didn't want to crowd her, but at the moment, he was enjoying the fact that she was there with him.

"What for? … you rescued me." She smiled back at him. She loved the idea that he would still rescue her even if only in small ways.

"I shouldn't have let you get that far away from me."

"We should never have gotten this far away from each other." There was meaning in her words.

It was not lost on Harm, but he pushed it away. He had to remind himself. Sarah was not his; nor would she ever be. She was not a date nor was she some woman he just met who he could take to bed. She was special. She was important. She deserved respect and he would not treat her casually.

They continued to dance, one, two, three songs, without speaking. She felt good in his arms. Still a little thin, but they fit perfectly together. Her heels brought her up a couple of inches; her ear was close to his nose and gave him prefect access to her million-dollar perfume. Her response to being held by him was different than it had been in the past. This time she molded into him, pulled her self close, so close he could feel her heart beat. His resolve was weakening. The music, the physical sensation of their bodies touching and intense intimacy of looking into each other's eyes was intoxicating – more than any drug. Harm felt the heat in him begin to rise. Mac's heat was already well past simmer and into a rolling boil.

The dancing ending when the new SecNav gave his speech. They found themselves standing in the back, very close to each other. Neither one wanted to lose that physical contact that they had. The speech was their cue to leave. They slipped out the side door into the May night. Mac shivered a little at the cool night air and Harm did what men do and have been doing for ages. He took off his coat and draped it around her shoulders (even though he would then be out of uniform). It was warm from his body and she could smell him on it – the effect was dizzying, she was grateful to have his arm to lean on. They waited for his car quietly. He opened the door for her and helped her in.

"Dinner?" He asked.

Mac was not really hungry, but she didn't want the evening to end. "Yes."

Dinner was great. Harm had changed his plans when he saw how she was dressed and took her to this very quiet, romantic place just outside of Washington. He had called earlier to make reservations. The conversation was not business but it also stayed on the safe personal subjects. They talked about youth and dreams and simple philosophies. It was hard to tell if they were in agreement or if they just were not about to debate any of the topics.

**Mac's Apartment**

They drove home in anticipatory silence. If she were one of the women Harm was dating, and if he was as drawn to the date as he was to Mac (well, no one had quite reached that level, but there were women he was drawn to) he would ask to come up for coffee or a night cap, he would kiss the woman and let her decide where to take it from there. If she had sent him home, he would have called the next day for another date. If she allowed him to stay, he would make her a great breakfast in the morning and ask for a second date over juice and Rabb's Raspberry Crepes. Not all women got that treatment, but not all evenings got him as aroused as that evening had.

However, she wasn't just some woman. It wasn't a date. It was Mac … Sarah MacKenzie, his friend, his colleague, his special love, the woman he could never have, the relationship that would never work. Kissing her, asking for a second date, taking her to bed – though it was something he had thought about a long time ago – was not the best course of action. There was no reason to get the hopes up of either one of them. They had no future – their past was a testament to that. The night was a fluke. They were both on their best behavior. It wasn't real. To push it to that level would only ruin the tentative relationship they had.

On the other hand the intimacy born from the physical expression of love and respect could deepen their friendship, it would mean that the one sticking point between them would finally be put to bed. They could move on without the unresolved sexual tension, which had haunted them from the beginning. It would draw them closer. Make their relationship less bitter and more sweet.

Harm couldn't convince himself that it would be that simple.

He walked her to her door. She invited him for tea, but he declined. She thanked him for the evening. His response was to thank her and lean down to kiss her cheek. Mac's hand went to his face. Her fingers curled to hold him there. She kissed him full on the mouth. It was tentative and safe at first, but she would not let him go. She drew a deeper kiss from him, deeper than he thought she should, but not as far as his desire had wanted to go – the desire he had been struggling with all night and to a certain extent for the last several years.

He was no longer able to make a coherent decision. He hadn't expected that he would push it further, but something in him was acting on its own. He made the next move. He led her gently into her apartment, pulled her completely too him and kissed her. Her response – in addition to responding to the kiss – was to close and lock the door. Mac was clear about where she wanted the evening to go next.

Harm started to … not protest … but he wanted to be sure she knew what she was doing. That she knew what it meant and what it didn't mean. Harm was pretty clear, though at the moment his need for her was clouding his understanding.

"Sarah--."

"Shhh … don't say anything." Her voice was dripping with lust. "We talk too much … we think too much." With that she silenced him and he could do nothing but respond. He had to trust her to have made the right decision for both of them.

After that there was very little said, at least in terms of discussing or clarifying each other's position. For both of them this was the culmination of nearly ten years of desire and words would only have gotten in the way. Their love-making was complete - at times it was passionate and frenzied and at others it was slow, sensual and adoring. Neither of them had ever experienced something quite like it, nor did they think (if they thought at all) that they ever would again, even with each other. For the space of those hours, the planets had aligned.

Near dawn as they lay in each other's arms seconds away from sleep, Mac whispered "I love you too … I always have … I always will."

The motion of the heavens kept moving and planets that aligned, unaligned.


	5. Chapter 5

Part Five MacKenzie Residence 

Near dawn as they lay in each other's arms seconds away from sleep, Mac whispered "I love you too … I always have … I always will."

The motion of the heavens kept moving and planets that had aligned, unaligned.

A cold chill went down Harm's spine. She loved him too? TOO? As in 'also', 'as well as', 'in addition to'? Had he said it out loud? He remembered thinking it. He remembered feeling it. He remembered knowing in his soul. He knew that he expressed it with his body as he tended to hers over and over and over again. But he hadn't remembered saying it out loud. In fact he remembered a tiny voice inside of him – the normal rational, reasonable, stable voice telling him NOT to say it out loud. But he could have. The voice of reason was typically a player when he made love to a woman, but with Mac it was completely drowned out by his voice of desire.

Her words echoed through his mind._ "I love you too … I always have … I always will." _

Maybe everything was OK. Maybe she was in the same bed with him. Maybe the night meant the same to her as it had to him. To him it was an ending – a culmination of years of unacted upon feelings, not a beginning.

He was about to speak but words failed him. What was he supposed to say to a naked woman in his arms whom he had just made love to (real love, not just first date sex), who had just professed her undying love for him?

Should he say "thank you"?

Should he return the sentiment and iron out what it all really meant when they were dressed?

Should he start the discussion by listing off the number of reasons they never would make it in a long-term relationship. It was impractical, irresponsible, professional suicide for them to get together. All the same reasons that kept them from doing it before. Then of course there were the still unresolved personal issues with their relationship: the fighting, bickering and the fact that they were just too different. The one Harm would never get passed: she didn't want him or what he had to offer. She had said that often enough over the years and nearly all her actions backed those words up. That night was an ill-conceived, illogical fluke. In spite of how utterly satisfying it was, it never should have happened and it really shouldn't happen again.

Mac wanted home and family and safety and security – all the stuff she never got as a kid. Harm would not be able to provide that. He would have to give up too much of himself to be Ozzie to her Harriet. He knew that about himself now. It was driven home to him over and over again with Diane, Annie, Jordan, Renee and even with Mattie. He thought he could do it. But he had discovered that he was not willing to give up who he was to be a selfless partner or parent. It was a hard lesson to learn and a harder reality to accept. Is that what he should tell Mac? That he was too _selfish_ to give her what she was asking for?

Maybe that wasn't what she was asking for. Maybe she wasn't asking for anything. She had told him that she loved him – he knew that, he loved her. She told him that she always had – well ditto for Harm. She told him that she always will – well Harm would always love her too – after a fashion. Maybe she was in the same bed with him. Maybe that was her way of acknowledging the past, appreciating the tenderness of the moment and accepting that lack of future they had.

Maybe … but Harm didn't think so. The protestation was not a finale, it was the turning point in the second act.

He must have thought too long, because he felt her breathing deepen. She was asleep. That gave him time to think of what to say.

**Hours Later**

Mac slowly came to wakefulness. She was alone in bed and it took her a moment realize where she was and that what had happened the night before was real. Harm's uniform coat tossed over the back of the chair was enough to let her know that it was not a dream. She felt great.

She wasn't too concerned as to why Harm was not next to her. It was late, close to 1000. She normally never slept that late, but that Saturday she hoped she would never actually get up – they would not get up. She heard him in the kitchen. She smiled as she assumed that he was making breakfast or at least coffee. He was nothing if not a gentleman.

She did her morning routine and pulled on her favorite silk robe. She had gotten it just after the Webb fiasco as a treat. It was McCool's idea to buy some sexy things for her self and not to please a man. That morning the soft silk felt so much better gliding over her skin, touching places that Harm has caressed hours before. If she felt beautiful the night before at the reception, she felt absolutely ravishing that morning fresh from their bed.

She made her way to the kitchen full of anticipation at the greeting they would give each other. Their lives were finally about to turn in a direction that she had wanted to go for years. The miscommunications, the misunderstandings, the missed opportunities were a thing of the past. There was a future to plan and it would take both of them to do it. She had hope. For the first time since she could remember, she had hope.

She was stopped short. He was on the phone.

"… We can try again for next Saturday." His tone was friendly but not too. "… This just came up last night …" He laughed a little, it was more like a chuckle. " … There is nothing wrong with the plane, I worked on it last week. We won't have that problem again … trust me. … I need to go, but I will call you during the week to firm up plans. … Thanks for being such a good sport, Lana. … I'll talk to you later…. Bye."

Mac felt like she had been sucker punched and all the wind had been knocked out of her. She didn't have a chance to react, catch her breath or anything before Harm came through the kitchen door – the closed kitchen door. Mac couldn't remember ever closing that door in all the time she lived in that apartment. Yet Harm had closed it, probably hoping to muffle the sound of him calling another lover.

'Hmm … how many lovers did he actually call that morning?' she wondered. How many dates did she make him break? Well, at least she wasn't just a roll in the hay on to the next; at least she had had an effect on his social calendar - if only for the weekend.

"Good Morning." He said softly coming through the door. "Coffee?"

As hard as she tried she could not check her tone. "You didn't need to break a date on my account." She barked. "You could have left a note."

"Sarah."

Her name on his lips felt wrong. It felt too familiar. She pulled her robe tightly around her, wishing now she had opted for her normal Saturday morning sweats.

"Sarah, I think we need to talk."

At that she turned away and moved to the living room. What she really wanted to do was to shower – wash off the entire mess, but she couldn't have him follow her to the bedroom. She couldn't bear to face him with all the evidence of their indiscretion so blatantly obvious. She needed to maintain some level of dignity.

"Sarah?"

She snapped back at him. "What?"

"Don't you agree that we need to talk about last night?"

Mac had no plan for 'talking' about the night before. She would have liked a repeat performance, but what she wanted to talk about was the future.

"Sarah?"

"Why?" She turned away. "Will anything I have to say mean anything, will it even be heard?"

"What does that mean?"

"It means… It means …" She was lost as to what to say. He anger blinded her. "It means that you have an opinion about last night, you know how it will and won't affect you. You don't want to **have a discussion** – you couldn't give a rat's ass what I have to say - you just need to clear your conscience so you can go back to your life."

"That is not true." He protested taken back at her anger.

"I think it is." She pulled herself up and faced him dead on. "You just stood in my kitchen, hours out of my bed – you haven't even showered – and made a date with another woman for next weekend – that pretty much sums it up."

"I needed to let her know I wasn't going to make it today." He defended weakly.

She smirked and shook her head. "Well call me naïve, but I think that is crass."

"Crass?"

"Yes, crass." She pushed back. "Crude, rude and totally unacceptable."

"You would rather I stand her up?" He challenged.

"I would rather you not make a date for next Saturday – in my house – like this Saturday will be spent cleaning up an old mess."

"That is not fair, Sarah." He was annoyed.

"Don't call me that." She screamed at him.

"Don't call you 'Sarah'? What should I call you 'colonel'?"

"Go to hell." She turned to storm into her bedroom assuming he would not follow.

He spoke to her retreating back. "Just what do you think happened last night?"

She turned with a glare that should have sunk him to his knees. "Nothing! … Nothing happened last night … nothing at all … I should have known."

"Known what?" He really could not understand her anger. "Mac, this is ridiculous … Do you honestly think that one night will fix what was wrong with us?" Harm didn't mean that how it came out. He didn't mean to reduce what they shared to three simple letters – S – E – X.

Yet for Mac, she heard it loud and clear and felt the full weight of the slap in the face. What they experienced – at least what she had experienced was a lot more than just sex and it should have gone a long way to fixing what was wrong with them.

"There is no US Harm." She declared again. "You made sure of that."

"Wrong on both counts, counselor. There is an 'us' and there always has been – we just have some messy boundaries."

"Well they got really messy last night." She threw back at him.

He ignored her. "And we both had a hand in making sure that there was no future for us … as anything more than friends."

"Friends? Last night we were FRIENDS? … I am not in the habit of screwing my friends."

"Mac, you're being irrational."

"I have the right."

"The right?"

"After all this time … I deserve more than ---." She lost her train of thought. She was going to say something like 'I deserve more than to be fucked by you.' But she didn't want to be that crude.

"You deserve more than what? I'm confused, Sarah - Mac. I thought we had an understanding."

She cocked her head and glared at him. "Exactly what do you think that understanding was?"

"Months ago … we agreed that there was no future for us – as a couple."

"When did we agree to that?"

"Christmas Eve … We told each other that we loved each other – and you said BUT."

"I said I wasn't ready." She protested. "I said I needed some more time."

"And you said that you didn't expect me to wait." He added.

"Well you sure as hell didn't." She exclaimed. "Lost no time at all. Did you sleep with that Lana woman that night or did you wait a whole week."

"Lana is not the issue." He declared but he knew that Lana and the other women in his life was a huge issue for her.

"Well, tell you what." He put her hands on her hips. "Let's make her the issue."

"This is not about me and any other woman."

"How many exactly do you have, Harm? Lana, the pilot from San Diego, Oh yeah … can't forget Kate Pike … I am sure that assignment was torture for you … did you get any work done at all … who else Harm? Oh yeah … Maya Nelson. Pretty close to every female you run across during the course of an investigation." She ran her hand through her hair. "You are acting like a teenager in heat."

"Hey." He protested.

"It is really pathetic to see a 40 year-old man act like …" Mac lost her train of thought as she flashed on the night before. They had not used protection at all, not once – neither one even thought about it. How stupid could two people be? How irresponsible? Harm had been sexually active. How was she supposed to ask him – after it was too late – if he had been safe with all those women? A shiver went through her. She felt dirty and used. "Jesus … how many are there?" She demanded.

"I am not going to apologize to you for the women in my life." He stood his ground, not clearly understanding her concern. "Not now and not in the past."

"No, you never apologize for anything – hell you probably won't even apologize for last night."

"There is nothing to apologize for." He stated. "I am not sorry it happened – I am only sorry that it is this screwed up this morning."

"Well I am sorry it happened." She was about to tell him exactly how sorry she was.

He stopped her. "Know that whatever you say now, won't change my feelings about last night."

She glared at him. "Oh, please… you are so high and mighty … so righteous … I am sick to death of you and your superior bullshit. Harmon Rabb Jr. SOOOOO good, soooo moral, soooo much the man among men. All men what to be you and all women want to fuck you --- is that right?" She waved him off. "Fine, mark me down with another notch on your belt … the one you finally NAILED."

"HEY." He barked at her. "Last night was not my idea."

"I didn't see you saying 'No'."

"Why the hell would I?" He threw his hands up in the air. "The woman I have loved for years and will go to my grave loving was asking me into her bed."

"You love me?" She laughed. "That's rich."

"What makes you think that would have changed, Mac?" He stepped toward her and she stepped back. "I told you that --- you and our … whatever the hell you want to call it – would always be important to me in spite of the fact that you kept me so far out of your life I surprised you remember my name."

"I know you … I know your name." She spit back at him.

"Nothing has changed, Mac." He continued. "I would do anything for you. That was not lip service."

She laughed. "You love me? I am important to you? You would do anything for me?"

Harm nodded at each question.

"But you don't love me enough, I am not important enough for you to ---."

"To what? …Give up my career for?"

She looked down.

Harm pressed on. "What? … Enough to marry you? … Father your children? … Fight with you day and night until you divorce me and take our children?"

She looked stunned that he took it that far.

"Six months ago, I would have said yes to all of that. Hell five months ago I was seconds away from asking for all of that even knowing that the divorce was more than probable."

"What changed? What stopped you?" She was holding back the tears through sheer force of will.

"You did." He nearly shouted confused why he had to point that out to her. "You stopped me. You pushed me away again on Christmas Eve – as you did every other time. There was no reason we should not have been able to get together back then – no reason at all - nothing was keeping us apart – But You."

"Me?"

"I had spent that entire year being honest, real and consistent with you – no games, no attitude, nothing. I was supportive and self-sacrificing. I was there through that Sadik and Webb mess and when you were diagnosed with endometriosis. I was everything you asked for – exactly what you wanted."

Mac looked down. She could not deny that from Christmas Eve when Mattie was turned over to him (with her help) his attitude toward her had changed. He was everything she had always wanted him to be – and she didn't like it. She didn't want it. Truth to tell, she felt she didn't deserve it, but that is another discussion – one with McCool.

"I had waited the two years before that for you to get over Brumby. All you had to do was turn to me once, give me one opening, I would have told you I loved you, promised you everything I had to give." He ran his hands through his hair. "We were so close … so close to having it all, but you shoved me away. You chose Webb. You never even gave me a chance."

"You did a little SHOVING of your own, Rabb."

"Granted. But I never stopped loving you. I never took up with someone else waiting for you to change your mind. I stuck through it all … I watched, I waited; I changed for you. You can't deny that. But it wasn't enough. I would never be enough for you."

Mac did not respond. She had never – not once in her life – felt that Harm would not be enough for her – just that he would not express enough, and at the moment, that felt really petty.

"Maybe because of our history, maybe for any number of reasons. But the bottom line was – you would never look to me in that way. You would never want what I had to give." He exhaled. "So I had to move on."

The tears were streaming now. She wanted it – she wanted it all – but it was all so messed up. "Well, I guess I fooled you, didn't I?"

"Mac, I know it sounds like I am blaming your for all of this, but I am not … not really." He waited for her to say something but she didn't. He continued. "I realized that what I was prepared to offer you – all that I had to give – wasn't enough – for either of us. I have been alone so long, I have been independent and unattached. I was never meant for the domestic life – you said it yourself – I am always chasing the next obsession. You were right to push me away. I would have been miserable playing it safe, being tied down, driving a mini-van rather than a Vette. I am no Bud Roberts. It would have destroyed us and worse, any kids we had would have been caught in the middle."

"Yeah, guess I knew more than I thought I did." She was just saying stuff. She wasn't listening to him much anymore. She had heard the gist of what he was saying and it sounded like a grand rationalization – Sour Grapes. Bottom line, he did not want a relationship – a relationship with a future with her. It was too late.

"Sarah, last night was very, very special." He said gently. "I had hoped that it would bring us closer."

"But not that close – I get it Harm." Mac was miserable and just wanted him gone.

"Sarah, please."

"Did you expect that it would become a regular thing – us … having sex?" She said 'sex' rather than 'making love' to hurt him. "Would I be just one of your harem?"

Harm felt the full weight of her pain. "I had no expectations." He took a shallow breath. "Sarah, you know how much I care about you."

She looked away.

"I am glad it happened even if it never happens again." He said hoping to make it better some how.

That was too much for Mac. He was satisfied with a one-night-stand, rather than to try to figure out if they were really right all those years – that they had no future.

"Harm, I think you better go … please … just give me a little dignity and … just go."

"I don't want to leave it like this."

"There is no other way … I need time to wrap my head around the idea that I just slept with a man who loves me and doesn't want me."

"Sarah."

"Go – just go, please."

Harm yielded to her request. He retrieved the rest of his clothes from the bedroom and went to the door. He was about to say something – he didn't know what – but she shook her head. There was nothing left to say.

Mac wanted nothing more than to crawl under the covers and cry for days. What a fool? What an idiot? What a jerk she was? And what a loser she was for believing that he would wait for her? That he was waiting for her. She screwed up. She had let her last chance slip through her fingers and she never saw it going.

She went into her bedroom. The bed was in complete disarray and it would smell like him, like her, like the sex they had. She needed to change the sheets immediately – hell if she could burn the mattress she would have. She stepped up to yank the sheets off and stepped onto something; something sharp and hard that sent two puncture wounds into her foot. She fell to the floor to inspect her foot. She pulled Harm's wings out of the heel of her foot. The irony of the situation was too much. She started to laugh that quickly folded into gut wrenching tears. She lay on the floor for a long time letting everything she had out, including the blood from her foot.

The Following Night 

Mac finally returned Harm's repeated phone calls. She had a quick statement.

"I am sorry I overreacted yesterday morning. You are right, this will make a difference in our relationship, but I can't say now if it will bring us closer – maybe in time. But whatever happens between us, please let's keep it professional at work. Just to be clear, and so there are no misunderstandings, I don't think we need to speak about this again, but in any event please don't try to discuss this with me at the office."

Harm agreed.

"You are not the kind of man to kiss and tell, but please … no one needs to know about this."

He agreed to that too. He never would have said anything to anyone.

He thought he would give her a couple more days to realize that this was just another bump in their friendship. He fully expected that they would work it out. Maybe even over some case or other, and that eventually the whole mess would bring them closer.

Harm had faith.

Harm was a dreamer.


	6. Chapter 6

Part Six Per her request he didn't speak, allude or make light about their encounter or any of the fall out from it, but still having Harm around was unworkable for Mac. Her world had turned upside down (again) and his just continued on as if nothing had changed. He came to work everyday, happy and smiling; and did his job. Hearing his voice being so unaffected was like nails on a blackboard to her. Seeing him look at her across a briefing table knowing that he had intimate (extremely intimate) knowledge of her was unbearable. She felt naked and exposed. She couldn't tell what he was thinking and she trusted nothing that he said. She had completely rewritten the history of that night and made him the aggressor, the one who seduced her. She felt like a fool. The memories she had of that night played over and over in her head and made her want to crawl under a rock. The very worst of it was that she could not reconcile all that self-loathing with her desire to 'do it again'. Something had to be done.   
Mac sent Harm on pretty close to every out of town investigation there was to have. She kept him out of the courtroom; he was doing strictly investigations and recommendations – the prosecuting and defending was turned over to others on staff.   
Harm couldn't help but believe that it was because she couldn't face him, but he also knew it would not last forever. They would work through it just like they had everything else. He would not rock the boat, and he would not bring it to work even if she had. He was beating himself up pretty good over the whole mess. He was wrong. He treated her casually and no one should treat Sarah MacKenzie casually. That was the decade long problem for Harm and Mac – they were anything but casual. She was hurt and that was his fault – whether he was 100 percent responsible or not. So he let the payback go. He would not give her any more grief. He would give her time to deal. And truth to tell, the investigating and getting out of the office part were good. It gave him more flexible hours. He liked that. Late June / Early July 

One morning, after he had just gotten back from three back-to-back TADs, he crossed Creswell's path on the way to get coffee.

"Commander."

"General."

"Commander do you have a moment?" Creswell asked.

"Certainly sir."

Harm followed along after him. He caught sight of Mac out of the corner of his eye. She watched the two men disappear behind the general's door.

A short while later Harm emerged. He smiled nicely at Jennifer and walked out into the bullpen.

Mac called to him. "Commander, how did the investigation go?"

"You will have the report in an hour." He was very professional with her. "I am recommending an Article 32 against Lieutenant Munoz."

"I look forward to reading your report." She nodded. "When you are ready, there was an incident in Norfolk that I would like you to look into."

"Yes, ma'am." Harm had been calling her 'ma'am' just to razz her, but he didn't say it with any tone.

"Colonel." The general's voice cut through the bullpen. "May I see you for a moment?"

"Yes sir."

The general went back into his office. Mac quickly turned to Harm to see if he had said something about her to the general. She would kill him if he were trying to screw with her career. It was all she had – he was not going to take that away from her. Harm shrugged but it did not look innocent. Mac would deal with him later.

Inside the general's office, Mac came to full attention. He didn't release her this time, as was his habit over the past several months.

"Colonel, I am reluctant to ask this."

"Sir?"

"I have given over the daily running of JAG HQ over to you, and I don't like second guessing the people who serve me, particularly since everything appears to be running along smoothly."

"Sir?"

"Do you have some issue with the commander?"

"Commander Rabb?" She wanted to look him in the eyes, but again, she was at full attention. "No sir."

"Do you feel that the best use of his skills are in investigations rather than litigation?"

"Sir, Commander Rabb is a fine investigator … probably the best one we have a JAG."

"From my understanding, his litigation skills are also quite." He paused to find the right word. "Notorious."

"The commander is a fine lawyer." She told him.

"Beaten you a time or two."

"I honestly have not kept a score card." She said snappishly but ended it with a "sir."

"Yet, for the past six weeks, he has not entered a courtroom."

"Yes, sir."

"Do you feel that we need a full time investigator at JAG?"

"No sir, the staff is fine."

"Good." He sat down. "That will be all colonel."

There were times when Creswell's ambiguity was really annoying. Without ordering her, he told her he wanted her to lay off Harm.

Harm's Office Moments Later 

Mac knocked on the doorframe. "May I come in?"

"Certainly." He stood up. "The report is not quite ready yet."

She came in and closed the door. She took a seat so the staff could not gauge her body language. Harm sat too.

"What did you say to him?" She asked directly.

"The general?" He looked over her shoulder to see who was watching them and then looked back. "Nothing much. He asked if I was unhappy at JAG. I said 'no'. He asked if I enjoyed the work I was doing. I said 'yes'. He asked if I had a problem getting my assignments from you. I said 'no'. That was pretty much it."

"Is all of that true?" She asked.

"Why would I lie?" He asked evasively.

"You don't have an issue with the assignments I have been giving you?"

"Should I?" He leaned back in his chair and pulled that arrogant, cocky, self-satisfied, smug, self-righteous grin. "Are you working from another agenda? Maybe one that is not work related?"

She wanted to slap the smile off his face. The worst part was that he was right and she hated that he was right. It had been weeks and she still felt naked in front of him. And yes, their night had affected her. It locked her up tighter than she was before and made her act less than professionally. To add insult to injury, Harm was able to maintain a detachment between work and personal, and a superiority over her that made the whole experience worse for Mac. He would not even try to get her in trouble. He didn't need to; she could do that all on her own.

She rose and crossed to the door. He also stood.

"Thank you, commander."

"Thank you, colonel." He dropped the pen on his desk a little too loudly. "You will have the report as soon as I am done with the spell check."

"Very well."

"About the incident in Norfolk?" He was such a jerk. Pushing her to the very limits.

"You won't have time for that. You will be prosecuting Lt. Munoz."

He nodded. Sometimes patience was a virtue. "Who will be defending?"

"That would be me." She turned on her heel (winced at the dull ache that had not gone away) and left.

July – A Week Later 

There was an armed truce – for Mac's part. She said nothing to him of a personal nature, did not come into his office and did not over listen to his phone conversations. She treated him as she treated Sturgis, Bud and whoever else was under her direction. Harm was back in the office, and still in a disgustingly good mood. He made an effort to keep all his personal dealings out of the office. He wouldn't even let Mattie come to JAG when she was in town for the weekend. He told himself that he would no longer made dates with the women he met though the course of his work – truth to tell he had a pretty full calendar with the women he had met from January; he didn't need to add any more.

Harm continued to do what he had always done, he pushed the limits and he got things done. In the Munoz case there was enough to recommend a courts martial. Mac should have read the case file before she agreed to be his defense council. Munoz was guilty – dead to rights – and she would lose to Harm. Which isn't to say she wouldn't try, but she recommended to her client that they try to cut a deal. Before opening arguments she got Munoz to agree. She had to go to Harm with a deal. She felt like a dog with her tail between her legs.

"So we are agreed?" She said.

Harm would not go for less than five years confinement, to which Mac agreed. She had started with three, but five was fair. If it had gone to trial the members probably wouldn't have settled for less than ten. The actual bargaining was very civilized. Harm had a case and she did not. He was not trying to be right, or superior or flaunt anything – he was on the right side … this time. He played fairly.

"We are agreed." He gave her a playful smile – one that she had not seen in years. "It really is too bad though."

"What is that?"

"I would have liked to have had the chance to go up against you in court." His eyes lit with the play.

She had wanted to kick his ass in court – so badly she could have tasted it. The Munoz case would not be it. "Next time." She promised and returned the play. "You will have the paperwork before close of day."

"Thank you, counselor."

Mac was about to leave the conference room when Creswell entered. "Are you two through?"

Mac had several comebacks for that and Harm had one or two as well. "Yes, sir." Mac stated.

"You have come to an agreement, there will be no trial." Creswell stated.

"No, sir." Harm stated. "The Munoz matter has been resolved, all except the paper work."

"Pass it off, Colonel." The general ordered. "I am sending you both to Maine. We have a dead cryptographer and two more missing."

"Yes sir." Mac asked, "Maine?"

"Winter Harbor."

"I was under the impression that the Naval Security Group Activity (NSGA), Winter Harbor was closed." Harm stated. "In 2002."

"You are right commander – it was supposed to close in June of 2002. However, the facility never completely ceased operations, now three of the six personnel are either missing or dead. There is some indication that the CIA is involved and there is talk of treason. I want you on the next transport. Find out what happened. I can't tell you how sensitive this is. This group was working on some highly classified material. Coates will make all the arrangements; I want you at Andrews in less than thirty minutes. Colonel, you are lead on this investigation."

Harm and Mac both came to attention. Creswell left.

Harm could not help but smile. They were working together again. That was better than going up against each other in court. "Ok Sundance, you driving or am I?"

"You are ready to go?" She challenged.

"I keep a bag ready at all times." He had been ever since Mac started giving him every out of town assignment.

"What happened to your golf clubs?"

"I'll drive." He started to walk out in front of her. He needed to break a couple of dates (another reason he always kept a bag in his trunk. Just like a good Boy Scout - wanted to be prepared for wherever he woke up in the morning).

"Hey Rabb." She called after him. "I'm Butch … the one with the brains." She smiled at him and passed him in the hall.

"Keep thinking, Butch." He laughed after her. "That's what you are good at."

Five Days Later 

Harm and Mac walked into the General's office. The investigation has been a strain on both of them. **_The Butch and Sundance_** banter that started the case was short lived. The rest was pretty much torture. They didn't fight; they barely spoke. The tension was so thick it could be cut with a knife – probably the reason the people involved came clean so quickly.

"Well done." Creswell stated mater-of-factly after he asked them to sit down. "I can't tell you how annoyed the SecNav was to find out this was a lover's triangle and not treason."

That was the reason for the tension. It appeared that two people had had a relationship and the third was just a friend, when the dynamics changed (the couple broke up and the third became more than a friend), things turned ugly. The whole case was about friends, lovers and changing relationships and it brought up many feelings between Harm and Mac. None of them were discussed – at least not overtly, but the undercurrent of the investigation was undeniable. Mac of course was on the side of the woman scorned (the victim) and Harm didn't exactly see it that way since she was the one that ended the relationship in the first place. Of course Harm didn't think that ending a relationship warranted a death sentence – necessarily, but he was willing to grant that there were extenuating circumstances. The victim confronted and antagonized her ex-lover and his new lover to the point that it was becoming unprofessional. While self-defense could not be used, there was the factor that she (the victim) was making the other two lives hell, she was found in their apartment and the gun she was killed with was licensed to her. So one could argue that she came there with intent, and they turned the tables on her.

The case is not important. What is important was there was fodder enough to cause debate between Harm and Mac and often the debate was personal with a professional face. It had gotten far worse for them. Harm's standard laisser faire attitude was gone. Back was the sniping, snapping, caustic and antagonistic comments. He was mad. She was making him out to be a cad, a user, a manipulator – a misogynistic, chauvinistic pig-dog. Harm was less than impressed. He was none of those things.

"Sir, I would have thought the secretary would have been relieved." Harm stated.

"Commander, there was a lot of money and attention invested in that project." He pulled his best general tone. "To have it all go up in smoke because some people could not keep their libidos in check … well you can see why he was a little annoyed."

"Will the operation be terminated, sir?" Mac asked.

"More than likely."

Harm shook his head. That was not the decision he would have made.

"The Navy is not some damn soap opera." Creswell barked. "If men and women can't serve together and act professionally then they shouldn't be allowed to serve together at all."

Harm looked down. The differences between Chegwidden and Creswell were proven every day.

"Something to respond to that, commander?"

"Only that a wise man used to say … often … that the uniform is meant to fit a person."

Creswell stood and both Mac and Harm did too. "Do you think I don't see the person inside the uniform, commander?"

"I am only saying that condemning the entire Navy for an indiscretion of three people is a extreme. Shutting down an operation that could – and has – saved thousands of lives all over the world because of something like this is ill-advised. The six people who were stationed up there had been there for nearly three years with no relief in sight. The Navy had to expect that relationships would form and reform."

"You are blaming the Navy for this?"

"I think they had a part to play, yes sir."

"You may have a point, commander. But I hope you are not implying that the other two get away with murder because the Navy stationed them in the middle of no where for three years."

"Of course not, sir."

"Good, you will be defending and colonel you will be prosecuting. Dismissed."

Mac followed Harm to his office. He had left so quickly and was walking so fast that he didn't notice.

"What was that all about?" She asked standing in his door way.

"Nothing." He was clearly very annoyed.

She came in and closed the door. "Harm, I know you like to rile things up and if you are not pissing off a two star, you don't feel like you have accomplished anything."

"What do you want, Mac?"

"I want to know why you are antagonizing the general."

"Are you his watch dog? Are you here to make sure no one ruffles his feathers? Did he ask you to be a buffer between the Green and the Blue?"

"Harm, what is your issue?"

"MY issue is this … the military is made up of human beings – people who want to serve and do their duty. People who love this country. By and large good and honorable people. I am including the marines in there too. The death of Lt. Andrews was a horrible, horrible thing, but it was an act of passion, not premeditated murder and it certainly doesn't reflect on the entire military personnel."

"You can use that as your defense." She said caustically

"MY ISSUE is that human beings have feelings and they make mistakes."

"That doesn't mean they don't have to pay for them."

"Sometimes the price is too high." He blurted out.

Mac was stunned. He had dropped his standard cocky, nothing-can-touch-me air and was actually angry.

He ranted on. "Sometimes mistakes happen and the pound of flesh exacted is too much."

"What are you referring to?"

"I should never have had to lose a friend." He stared directly into her face.

She knew immediately he was referring to her.

Harm ranted on. "There is nothing that I have done that was so horrendous that I had to lose my friend. In fact I have done more to earn that friendship than …" He did not finished his statement.

Mac had no idea how to respond. Luckily – for her – Coates knocked on the door.

"Enter." Harm called quickly as not to let anyone THINK that anything of a personal nature was going on.

"Excuse me, commander, colonel. Colonel, the general wishes to see you."

Mac had not taken her eyes off of Harm since his declaration. "Thank you, Petty Officer."

Coates backed out and closed the door behind her (she was so smart).

Mac found her argument. "If you think the price was too high, then you don't have a clear understanding of the offenses." She said coldly.

"And you don't see that my actions were not in a vacuum."

"There is no point in discussing this further."

"Absolutely none – ma'am." He stood at attention waiting for her to leave.


	7. Chapter 7

Part Seven   
A Friday in Late July 

The case from Winter Harbor was concluded. Harm did the best he could. There was no plea bargaining and his clients were going to suffer the consequences. He and Mac did not speak to each other since the day they got back. Everything was shuttled through their seconds.

With the exception of Mac, Harm was light and easy and nice to everyone. His outward appearance was happy and confident, but it was clear that his heart was no longer into it. Mac was the polar opposite. She has a sour expression on her face at all times and he was never seen without a smile.

Before the whole Winter Harbor mess, Mac met Jake Dawson from NCIS. He was one of the expert witnesses she interviewed when she was working on the Munoz case. When she didn't call him with a date to testify, he called her for a date for dinner. He was young, handsome, sexy as hell and he clearly liked her. It was nice to be noticed by a man – someone other than Harm. Mac had dinner with him a couple of times – to discuss that case and the new one from Winter Harbor. Near the end of the trial, Mac caught Harm talking to him. It was clear that they were not discussing the case and Mac assumed they were discussing her. She was not impressed. She saw them shake hands, Jake asked Harm one more question to which she thought she heard him reply 'go for it.' She was not happy with either Harm or Jake, but in true Mac form did not confront either one of them.

Immediately after that, Jake asked her away for the weekend. Mac panicked. She was not prepared to go that far, not yet. As nice as this guy was, he was still a stranger to her and she was still unsure if she accepted his invitations to prove to herself and anyone else that may have been paying attention that she was still a desirable woman or if she really liked him. Needless to say she turned Jake down for the weekend rendezvous. Instead they made plans to stay in town and take in a play or a game of some sort. Those plans got cancelled too.

The Next Day 

Mac hadn't been feeling well and found herself very tearful for no apparent reason. There were other times when she was angry and frustrated and had no idea why or the reason did not warrant her level of reaction. She had snapped at Jennifer on more than one occasion that week and ripped a new one in the newest Gunny to be assigned to JAG. Bud and Sturgis gave her a wide berth. Jake had called again to see if she had changed her mind about the weekend. She stood and looked out the window as she again told him that she felt it was too soon for something like that. She was trying to be honest, but she was actually being brutal and mean.

Over by the side of the building, out of sight of anyone who was not in an upstairs window, were Harm and Jennifer Coates. They were clearly in a very serious discussion. Jennifer was upset and her arms were flailing making her points. Harm was nearly as animated trying to get her to calm down. After a moment or two of watching them, she saw Harm escort her to his car and put her in the passenger seat. He climbed in on the driver's side and just before pulling out, she was able to see that Harm pressed Jen's hand affectionately. From the angle she had, she clearly saw their two hands in her lap.

A shot of RAGE went through her. A rage that she didn't even know existed. How dare he? How dare he ruin his career like that? How dare he do that with Jennifer Coates? That was unacceptable and inexcusable – she was like a sister, a daughter to him. Irrational thoughts flashed through her mind, maybe he and Jennifer were having an affair all along, which was why he asked her to room with Mattie. Maybe it started after Mattie had left. Did Jennifer really move out or was that just a ploy to take suspicion off of them? Maybe it had been going on since Christmas along with all the other women he was 'dating.' Were they laughing at her? Did Harm and Jennifer Coates talk about her? Maybe he told her everything. He would pay for this. He would pay through the nose.

The first object of her anger was Jake. She cancelled all plans with him and told him that he was pushing too hard for too much too soon. It was not pretty. A few other people suffered from her ire, but they were enlisted and had no other alternative than to take it. Her rage had not subsided by time Harm returned. She was unable (not that she tried that hard) to convince herself that her assumptions were ridiculous.

"Just what the hell do you think you are doing?" She demanded from his open door.

He was in no mood to deal with her. "Go away, Mac."

"This isn't going away, Rabb." She lowered her voice. "Fraternizing with an enlisted female … a woman that looked up to you as a role model, a brother, a father figure." She could not read his expression. "That is a career ender."

"What the hell are you talking about?" He was really in no mood for her and could really understand what she was talking about.

"Coates."

Harm looked out to the bullpen. People had looked up when she said Jennifer's name. He pulled her into his office and closed the door. The blinds were already half closed.

"What are you talking about?"

"I know everything." She stated though she knew in her head she actually knew nothing – at least nothing that would stand up in court.

"Whatever it is you THINK you know, you're wrong?" He said clearly.

"Do you have any scruples, or are you morally bankrupt … do I even know you?"

"Apparently not." He said flatly. "So why don't we leave it at that?"

"I saw you two." She announced. "I saw you."

"I don't know what you saw." He shook his head. "But I can tell you this … neither do you."

"This is WRONG." She stated.

"This isn't about Jennifer, Mac. This is about you and me. You're pissed at me for moving on and you are pissed at yourself for thinking that I wouldn't."

The fire in her eyes should have set him ablaze. "Don't flatter yourself Rabb. This is misconduct and if the general -."

He cut her off. "Are you going to report this … this … this fantasy of yours?" He leaned in. "Go ahead … I dare you … try to ruin my career – but you are the one that is going to look desperate and foolish in the end. … I have done nothing wrong."

She shook her head. "You keep saying that as if it were true."

"It is true."

"From your point of view."

"From yours, I have never done anything right – at least not with you."

"You got that right."

"Mac, I have done nothing but love and care about you."

She turned away from him.

"I have put my LIFE …" He raised his voice to get her to turn back. "… and my career on the line for you countless times. I stood by you when you pushed me away, when you went to other men and I took your friendship when that was all you were willing to give."

She shook her head. There were so many issues with his ridiculous belief of his behavior over the past several years that she didn't know where to begin. She was speechless.

He drove the final nail home. "And I waited."

"Waited?" She was shocked as his assessment. "Waited for what?"

"I waited for you … I waited for you to look my way." He shrugged. "But you never did. It was never right; it was never enough. I was never going to be enough for you. I was forced to move on."

"MOVE ON?" She shrieked. "You call the night of the SecNav's ball 'moving on'?"

"What do you want from me, Mac?"

"I want us to start speaking the same language. I want you to stop jerking me around. I want to be treated with respect. I want -." She didn't get a chance to finish.

This time the knock came from Creswell himself. "Colonel, my office." He stepped back and waited for her to exit Harm's office. "Commander, don't go anywhere, you're next."

"Yes, sir."

Some minutes later, Harm saw as Mac exited Creswell's office, went to hers, retrieved her stuff and exited the building. She never looked in Harm's direction – or anyone else's for that matter.

Harm was immediately summoned to Creswell's office. He stood at attention.

"There is some … animosity going on between the colonel and yourself."

Harm did not feel the need to acknowledge that.

"I won't tolerate it any longer." Creswell finished.

Harm did not respond.

"I don't want to know the nature of it, it is not my business. You are both fine officers and have handled yourselves - up until now – professionally – with a few glaring exceptions." He sighed. "But as you were quick to point out in the Winter Harbor mess, that the Navy has some responsibility." Creswell looked directly at him. "Commander, I am transferring you to San Diego."

"Sir?"

"This is not a punishment and nothing will appear in your personnel jacket or in the colonel's. There is a need for a JAG out there, as you well know."

"Why me sir?"

"Honestly? The colonel is too valuable to me here in Washington." He could not contain a smile that came across his face. What he did not say was that he wanted to stick it to the base CO in San Diego – an old rival of his. "This will actually fast track you for captain, if you play your cards right."

"Permission to speak freely?"

Creswell rarely – if ever – gave that authorization. "Go ahead."

"Sir, do you really feel that I am the correct person for this position or are you just trying to get rid of me?" Harm wanted to know if this were just a case of promoting him to a position that he was sure to fail at in order to move him out altogether. Could this be the first step that would ultimate end his career?

"Commander if I were trying to get rid of you, you would be going to Iceland or Alaska."

"I have had little or no command experience, sir."

"You will rise to the challenge."

"Thank you for you confidence." Harm didn't mean that; he was still unclear of the general motives.

"You have the rest of the day to clean out your desk pass off your pending cases to Turner and you will report to San Diego a week from Monday."

"Yes, sir."

"Your written orders will be given to you by end of day."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. It has been an experience serving under your command."

"Don't be confused, Rabb … your ass still belongs to me … we will just have 3000 miles between us. Step out of line, and you will feel my boot up your butt."

Harm smiled. "Yes, sir."

"Dismissed."

"Aye Aye."

Harm had no idea what to make of all of that. Should he be angry with Mac or should he thank her. He was getting a great assignment in a place he once called home. He would be close to his mother, he would be on his way to getting his captain's bars (something that would have alluded him had he stayed in Washington) and he would never again have to deal with scraping ice and snow off his car.

However, he was losing a life that he had carved out for himself in Washington. He had friends, girlfriends and he liked working so close to the action. There was Mattie to consider, but he would of course come back to see her and she would come see him. He would miss Bud and Harriet and the kids, but they would stay in contact as much as they possibly good. Sturgis and he had become better friends and would be easy for them to pick up where they left off. As for Coates, she would be OK. The deal earlier was something silly –Harm offered to help her buy a car. What she was ranting about when Mac saw them was how unfair it was that car dealers treated women like total idiots. It was innocent.

The biggest change of course would be not seeing Mac everyday. At that point, however, he had to believe that was for the best. Their one night had ruined anything they had. He had hoped it would bring them closer, but he was wrong. It actually had ruined everything. He should have known. He still did not regret that night, he still had hopes that with the passage of time they would find their way back to friendship. It would be tempered by distance, made safe by the e-mail and phone line medium, but they would speak again. He had to have faith in that.

Or not … and to hell with Sarah MacKenzie. She did this to him … to them. She was the one that had asked him to back off, to move on, to act professionally. She was the one who couldn't do it. Ever since that night she had been more WOMAN SCORNED than MARINE. That was new for Harm.

Screw it. He chose to look at the upside. In the end it didn't matter … he was gone – so why not make the most of it. Why leave stuff undone. That would be the end of them. If they could not make a friendship work in the same office, they had no chance in hell of making a long distance relationship be worth the effort. It was over. Finally over. How sad that after ten years, it had to end that way. They had to know Creswell was no Chegwidden. He would not tolerate the Rabb/MacKenzie (aka Punch and Judy) show. They knew it, but the stakes had been raised without them looking. Harm decided to focus on what he gained rather than what he was losing and accepting what he never had to begin with. It was time to really cut his losses, pack up and start again some place new.


	8. Chapter 8

Part Eight The Following Saturday 

Mac had also been given the week off. She had chosen to go away. She had gone to Vermont to visit Chloe for that first Saturday and Sunday and then spent the next five days in a cabin in the woods. What she hoped would be relaxing and rejuvenating didn't turn out that way. She was sick. She couldn't keep food down and she slept all the time. She assumed that she was just coming down with a cold, but by the end of the week when the cold never materialized but the symptoms remained she became concerned. She would make an appointment with the doctor as soon as she got back.

She did spend some time thinking. She realized how irrational she was to have accused Harm of having an affair with Jennifer. There were just so many women in his life, everyone - but her - was fair game. It was getting very difficult to know what he was thinking or feeling. She used to be able to read him like a book. Interestingly enough, now she focused on his actions rather than what he said. His actions were telling her that he no longer cared about her, loved her, or was waiting for her. He was no longer hers for the taking. It was impossible to reconcile his words of love and concern as he dated other women. Something had to be a lie – and that something was his declaration. How could he love her and sleep with other women? That made no sense.

On Christmas Eve she knew he was ready to lay it all out on the table and ask for everything he wanted in no uncertain terms; she panicked. She panicked because she was so unprepared to return the affections and start a relationship in earnest with him. All she needed was a little time to feel whole again.

'Damn him for giving up on her.' Was her thinking. 'Why didn't he wait … for as long as it took?'

After the night of the SecNav's ball – which she saw had little effect on him – she had to believe it was all a lie. He had finally learned to say what she had been holding out hope of hearing, but it was too late. The words were hollow, empty, meaningless.

'How dare he say something like that – he doesn't even know what love means,' was her complaint. She was right to push him away. He said it himself that he was not meant for a domestic life … he would be a lousy husband. She could not make herself believe that he would be a bad father, but there was truth the fact that he would not trade his … obsessions for a minivan and the PTA.

She could live with that, she could have lived with that. She would have been the rock that held the family together. There was no reason to dwell on that …at least not until they were on speaking terms again. Things had twisted and turned and were so out of whack. She had no idea how to get them back on the right track. She may have done so much damage that there was no hope. But as long as they were showing up at the same building for work everyday, there was hope.

She arrived home on Saturday afternoon. She stumbled - exhausted - into her house. A note had been slipped under her door. It was from Harm. She glanced over at her answering machine – 15 messages. She had turned her cell phone off and left at the bottom of her duffle.

She opened the note expecting to be blasted, expecting to be read the riot act for that very public display of a very private matter and for being unavailable for a week. She was not prepared for what the note said.

_**Mac –**_

_**Guess you are out of town. I didn't want to say 'good-bye' in a note …**_

Her heart froze.

– **_but maybe it will be easier this way._ **

_**Things are so wrong with us and for my part I am sorry. I know you may not believe me right now – hell, I am having a hard time convincing myself at the moment - but I do care about you - very much. I miss you. I miss us. The only US we ever had. We were good together, marine, the best team in town – fights and misunderstandings and bad times and all. We always had each other's back when the shit hit the fan – and for that I will always love and respect you. I hope that is what you remember when you think of me – if you think of me. I know I will think of you.**_

_**If I had to do it all again, there are a lot of things I would change – but we don't do regrets, if onlys or what ifs, do we?**_

_**I owe this transfer to you. You did me a favor – in spite of yourself. It will be better this way, better for both of us. So thank you.**_

_**I am sorry that it has to end this way. **_

_**Allow yourself to have some happiness in your life, Sarah. No one deserves it more than you do.**_

_**Take care,**_

_**Good-bye, Harm **_

She read the note through twice more. She could not really get a handle on what it all meant. All she knew was that he was gone, and she caused it.

Mac picked up the phone and dialed Harm's number. Disconnected. She called his cell. It was out of range. She panicked. She didn't know what to do. She called Bud. Bud told her about the transfer and had said that they tried to reach her all week. Harm had left that morning.

Mac thanked him and slumped down into the chair by the phone. The "15" blinked at her. Messages of 'goodbye' from Harm. Calls from Bud to ask if she was going to attend the send off. McCool reminding her of her next appointment. She had missed them all. She again was washed with an utter exhaustion. It was too late. There was nothing she could do. She crawled into bed and rocked herself gently until sleep took her.

Tuesday Noon – First Week Of August 

Mac sat at the wheel of her car. She was stunned. She had gotten into see her doctor. She ran some tests and announced her findings. Mac was stunned.

Her phone ringing pulled her back to reality.

"Colonel?" Jennifer's curt voice came over the line. Jennifer was just short of insubordinate with Mac for what had happened with Harm. Even though Harm had made every concession possible and tried to make Jennifer believe that his transfer was actually a promotion, that did not let Mac off the hook – at least not in Jennifer's mind. Jennifer would wait a month, contact Harm and ask if he had a position for her, if he didn't then she would go back out to sea. She no longer wanted to stay at JAG.

"COLONEL!" She barked again when Mac made no reply.

"Yes, Petty Officer."

"The General is looking for you."

"I will be there directly. Fifteen minutes."

Jennifer hung up with out saying good-bye. She had never disliked anyone the way she disliked Mac.

Mac looked over on the seat next to her. It was covered with pamphlets and vitamins all marked "prenatal." She was still not ready to accept the doctor's findings; she didn't quite know what to do. But it at least explained her nausea, exhaustion and mood swings. Mood swings, hell, it was more like psychotic behavior.

She put her car in gear and headed for the office.

Two Days Later 

Mac had sat with her news for two days. She didn't have a clue what she was feeling. She found herself at the Roberts house. Harriet would have some sage advice and wouldn't condemn her for what happened with Harm.

Mac came by late in the afternoon at a rare time when all the kids were asleep. Harriet was resting too, but was happy to have some adult interaction. The twins were driving her crazy – they had opposite schedules, one was always up, little AJ was so jealous of his younger siblings that he was acting out worse than before. Jimmy was her only delight.

"Mac, come in. Would you like some coffee?"

"No, thank you." She looked upstairs.

"They are all asleep. Let's see how long that will last."

The women sat in the kitchen, which is where the three baby monitors were.

"So – have you talked to Harm?" Harriet was nothing if not direct.

"No, I wouldn't know what to say."

"Well, don't let it go too long – you two were too close to let your friendship end like that."

Mac nodded. She hadn't expected Harriet to take Harm's side in this, but frankly that was the only side to take.

"Harriet, you know that Harm has moved on, right? You know that he was dating other women."

"So?" Harriet said quickly. "It was my understanding that you wanted to be friends. You can't expect a man like Harm to not have a love life, not have a woman in his life."

"He had about fifteen of them."

Harriet laughed. "Were you jealous?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Maybe a little."

Harriet was done pussy footing around. "Mac you love him as much as he loves you. Why don't you just put an end to both your misery and go for it."

Mac started tearing up. "He doesn't want me."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that we … he doesn't want me."

"He told you that?"

"He told me that he loves me, but not like that … not to have a relationship with. He told me that he doesn't want that life. He doesn't want to be tied down … married with children."

"He was just saying that to make the separation easier."

"I don't think so." Mac pulled Harm's good-bye note out of her purse and handed it to Harriet.

Harriet read it in silence and took a deep breath. "Well, I never would have expected something like that from him – not to you. But you have to remember he was hurt and angry when he wrote that … in spite of him saying he wasn't."

Mac shrugged. He seemed pretty lucid to her. Mac took the note back, folded it carefully and tucked it away.

"Do you agree?" Harriet asked. "Do you believe that you two never had a chance?'

Mac shrugged a yes again. "I don't know. Probably."

"There is something else you aren't telling me." Harriet prodded.

Mac met her eye. This would be the first time she said it out loud. "I'm pregnant."

Harriet was dumbfounded – it took her a long moment before she found what she needed to say. "Harm's?"

Mac nodded.

"How? When?"

"It was about eight weeks ago … one night … the night that killed our friendship."

"Honey … I am confused. I thought you two never had …"

"We never did, not before that night. It was a little out of control, and to be honest, I was told that it would be difficult for me to get pregnant. I have endometriosis. It never occurred to me that it would happen after one night – a night that never should have happened in the first place."

"It must have been a hell of a night." Harriet said without thinking.

Mac didn't react but she was thinking that it was a pretty intense evening followed by eight weeks of sheer hell.

"Ok … here is the tough question. I assume that you want the baby, but do you love Harm? I mean really love him. Would you have gone after him without being pregnant?"

"I don't know. I honestly don't know."

"You are going to tell him about the baby."

"Of course." She started to cry. "But he told me that he didn't want to be a father, how can I saddle him with this?"

"Hey!" Harriet scolded. "First of all … if he told you he didn't want to be a father, he was lying through his pearly white teeth. Second of all, regardless of what you two are going through, he loves you and you love him. I don't care what either of you say – I can see it. I saw it the entire time I have known you two. You'll just have to figure out what that means. And finally – he was there that night too. He has responsibilities to that baby and to you. You are not SADDLING him with anything."

The Following Sunday – San Diego 

Harm lay across his unmade bed in the officer's quarters in San Diego. He was just out of the shower and had only a towel wrapped around him. Boxes were piled high as he searched through the paper for some place to live.

Kate Pike entered from the bathroom wearing only his robe. She was drying her hair with a towel.

"Anything?" She sat down next to him and ran her hand up his back.

"The prices here are nuts."

"Welcome to California."

"I guess so." He rolled over on to his back and pulled her to him for a long deep kiss.

"What was that for?" She laughed.

"I am going to miss this."

"Why do you have to miss it? … I am not going any where."

"I'm your CO, babe. Can't be doing this any more."

"You think I am going to put a ring through your nose?" She ran her hand down his chest.

"No … I think we are perfect for each other. Neither one wants too much or too little." He tugged the belt of the robe free. "But last night was the last night."

A wicked grin crossed her face. "I give you a week before you call me in the middle of the night or come knocking on my door."

"Is that a challenge?"

"Nah, I know your limits."

"You pushed them pretty hard last night."

Her grin widened. "Five days." She got up and went back to the bathroom.

There was a knock on Harm's door. He tossed her clothes at her to hurry the dressing process. There was no reason that ANYONE should know that he and Kate slept together either that night, in the recent past or the distant past. It was not the right way to start off a new command. Kate was right though, it was going to be difficult to stay away from.

He was sincere when he said they were perfect for each other. They fit well together, they both loved the sex and neither one wanted a commitment or anything serious. Her know-it-all manner would begin to wear on him and he was concerned that their familiarity would cause problems when he had to give her an order, but they would be able to work it out. She was more reasonable than Mac.

Mac. He had thought about her a lot in the drive to California. He wondered when their next meeting would take place and what it would be like. Truth be told he was surprised she hadn't tried to contact him. He wondered if he had meant anything he had said to her in the past seven months or seven years for that matter. She had gotten under his skin, there was no doubt about that. But did he really love her? Was their friendship a matter of geography? Did matter any more? Was he still angry with her? Did he truly believe that the move to San Diego was good or just the best of bad options? That was all stuff that would be processed slowly over time and if anything were to happen – any kind of reconciliation with Mac, it would be done long distance and more than likely months down the road.

The knock came again.

He pulled on some shorts and went to answer the door. On the other side was Mac.

"Mac? What are you doing here?"

She saw Kate come out of the bathroom. She was fully dressed and anyone else might not have assumed that she had been there all night. But Mac knew. The cat grin on Kate's face gave it away. "I guess I should have called."

"That would have been a good idea." He said coldly. He hated hurting her, but she did nothing to protect herself.

Mac was annoyed that Kate was there on two levels – one, she was and always had been a little jealous of Kate (even though she didn't like her much) and two because Harm was putting his career in jeopardy and she hated that he would do that for a woman like Kate.

She looked back at Harm. "I am sorry to interrupt, but we need to talk."

"Do we have anything left to say to each other?" Harm was cool with her.

"Yeah, actually, quite a bit."

Harm's infamous eyebrow went up urging her to tell hem why they had more to say to each other.

"I'm pregnant."


	9. Chapter 9

**Part Nine**

**Early August **

**San Diego**

"I'm pregnant." Mac said flatly.

The air left Harm's body and he struggled to not let the strength in his legs fail him. Pretty much everything blanked in his mind, except for the echo of Mac's word: pregnant.

Kate picked up the classifieds that Harm had been looking at. "Guess that means you'll be looking for a two bedroom."

Harm snapped his attention back to Kate. "Kate -." He nearly shouted. He was not in control of his voice but he knew he needed to get her out of there.

Mac stepped back. "We can do this another time."

Harm turned back to her and grabbed for her arm. "Come in, Mac." He pulled Mac into the apartment and cleared a path for Kate's speedy exit. "Kate…"

"I'm going." As she stepped passed him, she said, "Harm, don't screw this up." Her voice was low. She wasn't intending for Mac to hear, but wasn't really trying to hide it either. "You have been waiting for this for a long time."

Harm didn't quite hear her, but Mac did and wondered what exactly he had been waiting for.

Harm closed the door. Mac stood in the middle of the room surrounded by boxes and luggage that would remain packed until he found a place to live. She looked very uncomfortable knowing that she had a hand in his transfer and the state that he was in at the moment. She didn't belong there. She didn't fit into his life. She should have called. She should have given this news to him in a letter, or an e-mail. Two days ago that sounded cruel and rude. At that moment, it seemed like telling him face-to-face was just plain wrong.

Harm leaned against the door. He had still not said anything. He looked over at her standing in the mess that was now his life. How appropriate that Mac still held the center position. Would they be able to clean up? Was there anything left to save? Or was this about learning how to live with what they had done? How had it all gotten so out of whack? He shook his head and looked away.

"Why don't we talk later?" Mac suggested.

"Mac." He looked up at her his voice tense and edgy. "Can you just give me a moment? … that is all I'm asking, just give me a moment - PLEASE."

Mac was too nervous to stay silent. "I thought you should know … I'm not expecting anything."

At that he shot a look at her. "No, of course not." He barked. "You never wanted anything I had to give."

Mac looked down. She hadn't meant for him to take it like that. What she meant was that she was not expecting him to marry her, to change his life for her (as if a child would not have some impact). She was fully prepared to raise the baby on her own with as much or as little involvement from him as he wanted to give. She just thought that he needed to know.

Harm shook his head. He didn't want to fight. He never wanted to fight with her, but it seemed like that was all they were ever really good at. He exhaled the breath he was holding and wiped his face with his hands.

"I'm sorry." He said evenly. "Please, sit down."

Mac looked behind her at the 'living room area,' there really was no place to sit. Harm went over and cleared a place for her on the government-issue couch. He did the same for himself on the chair that sat caddy corner.

"Please … sit … can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? … Milk?"

Mac shook her head and sat down.

After a moment he asked, "Are you alright?"

"Yes."

"I mean, you and the baby … you're alright … the endometriosis..."

"We're fine … we are both healthy."

"Good." He wrung his hands. "Good." His mind was sill not working; it still hadn't registered anything about what he was feeling about the new development. "Guess the doctors were wrong, huh?"

"Wrong?"

"They said you might have difficultly conceiving."

"Yeah, well … I guess less than five percent is still a chance."

He looked up at her. He needed something; he had no idea what to think or even what to think about. "Can I ask you how you are feeling about this?"

Mac had of course been thinking of little else since she got the news, but had yet to really figure out what she was feeling. She was no more prepared to discuss this topic even after sitting with for a few days.

"I assume you are happy." He continued.

"Happy?" That was the one feeling she had not gotten around to addressing. She laughed a little. "Hadn't really thought about 'happy.' I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm hopeful. I'm confused." She took a breath. "I think I'm still in shock."

Harm nodded. He could honestly say that he knew a little bit about scared, nervous, and confused. And he knew shock. He hadn't gotten to hopeful yet.

"I've been wanting a baby for so long and was just getting used to the idea that it wasn't going to happen," she continued. "To finally be faced with the prospect is a little overwhelming … it came out of left field … I guess I'm happy." She looked down and said softly. "In all the time I had thought about how … well, this wasn't what came to mind."

He had to agree with that. Whenever he had thought about having a baby with Mac in the past, it had always been after they were married and in a solid relationship. Eight months before, the prospect of a solid relationship looked so bleak and the hope of marriage and a baby was so unrealistic that he had given up the idea altogether.

"How long have you known?"

"Less than a week … found out last Tuesday."

"Who else knows?"

"I told Harriett and I'm sure she told Bud, but no one else."

Harm got up and paced the room. He still wasn't sure what he wanted and more importantly he didn't know what she wanted from him. Why was she there?

"Why are you here?" He heard himself say. He hadn't intended to be so blunt.

"What?"

"Why are you here? … Why did you fly 3000 miles to give me this news? … Why didn't you call? … Or send an e-mail?"

She couldn't believe he was asking her this. "I thought this was the kind of news that you should get in person."

"Why?"

"Why? Because there are things that need to be discussed."

"That's what I'm asking … what's on your agenda … what are the topics that you see as needing to be discussed?"

"The baby." She stated obviously.

"The baby?" He waved her off. He stood and stepped away from her. "Please Mac, you know that I will do whatever it takes. That child will not grow up fatherless."

"You said you didn't want children … you said that you didn't want to be a father."

"I've said a lot of things Mac … most of them I meant at the time … but the bottom line is that regardless of what I want or what I said … I will not let a child of mine grow up without a father … nor would I abandon the mother."

"Fine." She was annoyed that their child would be reduced to an obligation and stood up to leave. "Good … well we hit the high points … the rest of it can be worked as we go."

He stepped back as if to let her leave if she wanted to. "You have more on your agenda than that … you didn't fly out here to hear me say what you already knew."

She turned back and glared at him. "What are you looking for Harm? What are you expecting from me?"

He laughed a little. "Me expecting? That is pretty funny. I gave up expecting anything from you a long time ago … but you clearly want something from me … I want to know what it is."

"I should have called." She put her hand on the doorknob about to walk out.

"Mac … Tell me what you want." He demanded.

"I want to leave."

"No you don't … you want me to beg you to stay … but I won't do that."

"Good … I'm leaving."

"You're a piece of work… a real piece of work." He said loudly. "You call yourself a marine … you pride yourself on hitting situations head on … your training … your rules …but you are a scared little girl waiting for someone to come in and rescue you from your life."

"You think you know me?" She spit back at him. "You think you have any right to judge me?"

"I've a lot of **_right_**, Mac. You have been jerking me around for years." He leaned on the back of the chair. "As for judging you …"

"I've been jerking you around? Me? You think I've been -."

"Mac, I laid it all on the table for you …"

"When? When exactly did you LAY IT ON THE TABLE, Hammer? WHAT exactly was laid on the table?"

"You want a list?"

"Yeah … I want a list … I want to know what you **_think_** you did and what you **_think_** you said. Because to the best of my recollection you … you never said a damn thing."

"I told you I would be there for you … whatever it took … I told you that it didn't matter how, it just mattered that it was you and me and I told you I loved you --."

"Once … you told me you loved me ONCE."

"That is not true … you knew how I felt."

"How was I supposed to know? … I still don't know … I don't even recognize you any more … KATE PIKE, Harm? What were you thinking?"

"Leave Kate out of this … this is about you and me."

"Harm, she will destroy your career."

"You think you have the corner on that market, colonel?" He threw sarcastically back at her.

She stepped back, she felt the hit even if it were only in words.

"So tell me Mac, why are you here? … what did you think was going to happen when you showed up on my doorstep … pregnant with my child?" Harm's challenging tone was loud and clear. He was baiting her.

"I wasn't thinking."

"You must have had some fantasy … some imagined scenario worked out in your head. Did you think I would fall to my knees in front of you and beg you to take me back? … **_back_** … hell, I was never IN your life."

"What do you expect me to say, Harm?"

"I expect you to finally tell me what you want … what you think …how you feel … I can't guess anymore."

"When have you ever tried?"

"The two years you were with Brumby I tried to figure out what you saw in him, what he did for you… the two years after Brumby, I watched and waited as you toyed with our friendship … that whole time with Webb … what were you trying to accomplish there, I will never understand … Over and over again, you kept choosing other men, and keeping me just out of reach, but not too far away. You wouldn't let me in … but you wouldn't let me go."

She made no move to dispute his accusations or stop him from talking.

"Then … THEN … when I finally throw in the towel and walk away … then you plan that seduction which - as it turns out - will bind us together forever."

"Are you saying that I planned this? That I wanted this?" Her eyes flamed. "Are you accusing me of TRAPPING you?"

"All I'm saying is that you would never let me in -."

"You never wanted in … you never asked to be part of my life …

"That is wrong."

"…and you threw as much between us as I did." She shook her head and glanced away. She could think of no examples except his constant sarcasm and caustic remarks. She was wrong about him not asking to be a part of her life, but she could not acknowledge that, it would hurt her case. "And then it was over … like a switch you just turned off."

"Not off Mac … never off."

"You moved on."

"I had to Mac … I had to for my own sanity." He explained. "I wanted things from you that you would never give me."

"Like a child … well isn't that ironic." She snapped at him.

He stopped for a moment to really appreciate what was being said. "We are talking in circles." He sighed.

"That isn't new for us either." Mac was still angry.

Harm's voice got soft. "Don't you think we FINALLY have a good reason to stop?"

She leaned against the closed door exhaled. "I do."

"So let's stop."

She looked away but nodded.

"Mac." He called to her. He sat down on the couch, motioning her to sit in the chair. "Let's talk."

She came over and sat down. "Harm none of this was planned … not that night … not this … certainly not your transfer." She blurted out.

"Well, let's take those one at a time – shall we?"

She really didn't like where this was headed. She was going to have to sincerely apologize and accept the mistakes she made. He wasn't innocent, but she had more than 50 percent to apologize for.

Harm went on. "Let's start with the transfer. I can assume that you did not know you were pregnant the last time we saw each other."

"No." She looked up at him, "But clearly I was being ruled by my hormones."

"No doubt. Did you honestly think that Jennifer and I were …?"

"Harm, I didn't know what to think – you were acting so … so … I don't know … different. Chasing everyone in a skirt. I didn't recognize you."

Harm had barely recognized himself over the last several months. He had been doing a hell of a job convincing him self that that was the life he wanted – free, easy, non-committed. But if truth were told, it was like a steady diet of candy. Tasty for a while, but no substance – nothing he could really sink his teeth into, nothing that would really satisfy his hunger.

"I won't apologize for that, Mac." He said defensively.

"I don't need an apology, I need to understand – who are you? You have always been driven by your emotions, you have always been the kind to follow any obsession wherever it led you -."

"Not any obsession … you stopped me dead in my tracks."

"Me?"

He said too much. Harm switched the topic back to the transfer. "What did you say to Creswell?"

"Nothing … I didn't have an opportunity. He told me that he would no longer tolerate the animosity between us, suggested that it was personal in nature and that I take a week off to contemplate my future."

"You left town."

"I went to Vermont. I had no idea that he was going to transfer you. I thought I would get back, and everything would be the same – when I came back I was going to talk to you. I had done some of thinking while I was away … but I was sick mostly. Slept a lot." She laughed. "I soon found out why."

"What were you going to talk to me about?"

"Does it really matter now?"

"Yes – very much." He pressed.

Mac took a deep breath. "I'm not really sure."

"Mac, this is crunch time … this is it … this will make us or break us … don't hedge your bets … don't hold back … tell me the truth … or as much of it as you know."

She studied him for a moment. He was right. This was the time for as honest a conversation as both of them could muster – egos, justifications and blame should not be a part of it. She took a deep breath, got up so she could pace the room and started talking. "What I was thinking about the most was how opposite everything was."

He sat back on the couch and watched her. "Opposite?"

"Before Webb … before Mic … before all of that … hell, during all of that … all I ever wanted was for you to tell me how you felt, to actually state your intentions." She smiled. "The whole 'actions speak louder than words' was just a bit too ambiguous for me. I needed to hear the words." She chuckled to herself at the ridiculousness of it all.

"What?"

"It just sounds so stupid … so wrong. All the other men in my life had told me that they loved me. They had stated their intentions. Some had been pretty specific too. But none of them were as consistent as you were. None of them would have see me through the darkest times – as you had and had promised to do." She turned to him. "You asked what 'fantasy' I had coming out here … well how about this one … I knew that if I came to you and told you that I was pregnant that you would never ask, or care if the baby was yours or not. I knew that you would … step up, even if it weren't your obligation. You have always been there for me Harm, even when I've made some really big mistakes. Even when I pushed you away."

He smiled weakly. "Is this your way of telling me that the baby is not mine?"

"The baby is yours." She said.

He nodded. He knew it was, but she opened the door to have the question asked. "So what is opposite?"

"Since Christmas, you have told me you love me, told me you care about me, told me – in words – that you would always be there for me … but then you … all those other women. I couldn't reconcile it in my own head. How could you love me and be with someone else? I finally got you to tell me what you felt, but then you were gone."

"I wasn't that simple Mac."

"I know … but you still left."

"I didn't leave, I just didn't … couldn't wait anymore."

"How could you?" It was a real question, not a rhetorical accusation. It was a reiteration of the one she asked before: how could he love her and be with someone else – hell, many someone elses.

"I don't know how to respond to that – one didn't have anything to do with the other."

"Harm." She didn't like that answer.

"Mac, It is not like I slept with all of them … I just had a lot of dates."

She waited for more.

"It's true Mac … I didn't fall in love with someone else … I don't think I loved any of them." He thought that should be enough to let her understand how he could date and flirt and even sleep with other women, yet still love her. "Sex is not love." He stated reiterating his feelings the morning after their night together.

After a moment she helped him and helped herself to understand. "You have always had a better ability to separate things in your life – professional and personal. But I just don't understand how you can separate one side of your personal with another."

"Mac, I would like to say that … that all of that … wasn't about you, but it was."

"It was?"

"I had to change my thinking, I had to change my goals. I had to change the way I thought about my life – because of you. Because you wouldn't have me."

"Why? Why couldn't you just give me some more time?"

"Because it wouldn't have made any difference."

"How can you say that?"

"Mac as long as I was standing there waiting for you, you would never look to me. I was the back up, I was the safe back up."

"That's not true."

"That's how it felt. Even now you just said that you knew I would always be there for you … but you never actually said how you felt about me. How YOU feel … not what you thought or what you knew, but how you felt."

"Harm … What do you want me to say? … Do you want me to say that I made a mistake? That I never should have pushed you away any of the thousand times I did?"

"Is that what you feel?"

"Yes … yes …" she cried out. "I'm sorry … I was scared … confused … you didn't make it any easier for me."

He nodded. That was one thing – one of the faults he took on himself. In the past he was always CHALLENGING Mac to love him … to want to be with him. He never really opened the door and just let her walk in on her own. Hell, he probably never opened the door and honestly invited her in … at least not until the night she told him about the endometriosis. He would have again on Christmas if she hadn't shot him down so quickly. "Mac, when did you decide that you wanted a relationship with me?"

"Who says that I have?" She snapped defensively and was immediately sorry.

"Mac, that seduction that you planned that night was pretty clear."

"How can you accuse me of that?"

"That dress … the way you responded to me while we were dancing … the way you looked at me across the room … the way you kissed me … Mac, that was not spontaneous … you had plans. Not that I saw it that way that night. Hell, that night I thought I was in control."

"You have been thinking about that a lot."

"Yeah … yeah I've … spent a lot of lonely nights thinking about that night."

She nodded to the bed. "Lonely whats?"

He shook his head and leaned back on the couch. "You won't believe this … but last night was the first time since that night with us."

"Should I believe it?"

"Yes, you should also know … that was because of you too."

"Don't blame me for your indiscretions with women … and definitely not Kate Pike."

"Kate is a good friend."

"I can see that."

"No, no you don't. Kate doesn't want anything from me. We both know the other, and we both know why it would never work for us. We knew it from the start, which is why we were able to … well you know."

"So you are saying you can have sex with her because you don't ... what exactly?"

"I'm not sure this is such a great topic of conversation."

"No, I want to hear this – sounds like you have given this a great deal of thought too."

"Let's put it in context, Mac. You and I slept together once and it destroyed our friendship, for Kate and I … it is just another aspect – it's all about expectations."

"If you wanted nothing more than sex from me, why did you --?"

"Why didn't I take you up on your offer in Sydney Harbor?" He cut her off.

That brought it around to a place that Mac was not ready for.

"That's what you were offering me that night, right Mac? Sex … you wanted me to take you to bed. What was it you said … 'we were not in Washington, we were not even on the same continent'?"

Mac shook her head.

"Come on Mac … what would have happened that night if I had taken you up on your offer? It would have been great … that I know … What were you expecting to happen, Mac? Just one night … to scratch an itch?"

"Harm-."

"What exactly were you offering? What were you thinking? Were you hoping that once we did it that I would promise you the moon? Or were you trying to trick me into a relationship by using sex? Or did you just want one night."

"It was not like that Harm."

"Then tell me what it was like … we may not have been in Washington, but we might as well have been. We were both working, our colleagues were there and so was our boss. Did you think that we would never go back to Washington? What would have happened when we did go back? You accused me of not being able to let go … what did you think I was hanging on to?"

"Your feelings … your emotions … your …"

"My job … our friendship … my respect for you."

Mac was taken aback.

"Mac I didn't sleep with you that night because it would have meant more than a one night stand and we weren't ready for more. We were both tentatively involved with other people. To start something with you because the moon was full, the stars were out and you were eager and irresistible -."

"You resisted."

"It would have been a mistake. It was wrong for you to ask. I wanted more from you than one night or even an affair, but I wasn't ready for that either."

"Why didn't you just say that?"

"I thought I had … I said NOT YET … not NOT EVER… you even asked me."

"Asked you?"

"You accused me of only being 'that way' with you … and I told you that it was **_only you_** … I even agreed when you suggested that you should be flattered. I wanted you Mac … turning you down was not easy … but I wanted you in ways that wouldn't have been achieved through one night of sex … in fact that would have pretty much ruined it."

She was hurt in so many ways and was beating herself up mostly. "Harm – I need to ask you … and this will have a bearing on how I think back on this in the future."

Her voice was cracking and she showed signs of trembling. Harm vowed to himself that he would give her an honest answer to whatever she asked. "Ok."

She swallowed hard and crossed her arms tightly across her chest. "You keep referring to … sex. Sex with me, sex with Kate … sex with whomever … I really need to know now … was that night -?"

"No."

"No what?" She was holding her emotions in check and forcing her eyes to stay dry.

He got up and crossed over to where she was standing. He put his hands on her arms and waited for her to look up at him. "No, Sarah. It was not just sex. We made love that night … the kind of love I hoped we would make if we ever had the chance." He smiled slightly. "We created a child that night Mac … against the odds, we created a life. That is love."

She allowed him to pull her close and hold her. They both needed the physical contact.

After a long moment, he whispered, "I'm sorry Mac. I'm sorry I ever made you doubt."

"That is not what you thought that night … or at least not the next morning." She leaned away from him and he let her go.

"I don't remember exactly what I thought … but I didn't think you wanted a relationship with me. It was only in hindsight that I figured that out, when you wouldn't accept my friendship."

She shook her head.

"We never got a chance to work through – honestly – work through what the expectations were or what the revised expectations were the morning after."

"It was pretty clear to me what your expectations were, Harm."

He closed his eyes and shook his head. If only she had stayed in bed five more minutes, she would never have heard him. Who knows what would have happened, but she would not have attacked him and he would not have defended himself. It could have turned out so differently if she had only stayed in bed … or if he had just stood Lana up. "You were never meant to hear that conversation."

"What would you have done if I told you that I wanted you in my life?"

"Is that what you wanted?"

"Answer the question … What would you have done with all your women, Harm?"

"You answer mine."

"Yes … I woke that morning and I fully expect that our days of being estranged were over." She laughed. "You said something along the lines of one night not fixing our problems, but I honestly believed that one night of making love – particularly that night -- was enough to get us over some major hurdles."

"I screwed it all up." He shook his head sadly. "After all these years, we still can't read each other."

"After all these years were are still willing to think the worst."

"I don't want to … I want to understand." He said sincerely.

"The first thing you need to understand is that that night was pretty intense for me."

"The result certainly bares that out."

"I'm not talking about the baby … I'm talking about how raw and real I was with you … I guess you didn't see."

"I saw." He nodded. That was the part he could not forgive himself for. He knew how much that night had cost her. He knew how much she had risked. It scared him. It scared him and he needed to get away. "I saw and I didn't respect it." He looked over at her. "I'm sorry."

They were silent for a moment.

"What are we going to do, Harm?"

"Tell me what you want."

"We are back to that, are we?" She said in exasperation.

"You told me that you loved me … that you always had and you always would." He said.

"When did I say that?" She knew she did, but had some how convinced herself that he must not have heard her.

"That night … you said it just before you fell asleep."

She didn't deny it.

"Did you mean it?"

She nodded weakly.

"Do you not want to love me?"

She looked back up at him. "What?"

"Would it be easier if you didn't?"

"I don't know … My feelings for you and our history scare me. We have misread every sign, gone out of our way to protect our egos at the cost of … our friendship."

"Have we really lost everything?"

"Two weeks ago I would have thought so." She said. "Two weeks ago, I would have taken most of the blame on myself. But now … now … " She looked up at him. "Now I don't want to believe it."

He stepped up to her and took her hands in his. "Then don't believe it Mac … don't believe it."

"What are you suggesting?"

"I'm suggesting that we make it work … try to make it work … we have every reason in the world to try."

"The baby?"

He smiled. "Wow … a baby … a little girl with my looks and your brains." He squeezed her hands.

She was about to point out that it could be a little boy.

"No … not just because of the baby … but because this is what we should have done years ago. I love you, Mac."

She shook her head.

"Don't fight it anymore Mac … you came all the way out here for this."

"You are sure of that?"

"You aren't?"

Mac shrugged. She was still unclear.

"Make a decision Marine … damn Jarhead … this is why they say women should not be allowed in combat. They can't make a decision."

Her eyes flared. "Marry me!" She demanded.

"What?"

"Marry me … how's that for making a decision."

"Or giving an order." He smiled.

"What do you say?"

"I say … yes. Yes, I will marry you."

She smiled. "Really?"

"Change your mind … Did you think I wouldn't take you up on your … order?"

"No, I just thought there were be more discussion."

"Mac … we have a lot to discuss and we have a lot to work out … hell we even have old hatchets to bury, and logistics to iron out but as long as we know that it is a process to get through …"

"… And that we will be together on the other side." She finished.

"I don't care if it takes the rest of our lives."

"It may take that long.

"I know … that is fine with me."

"OK." She smiled softly.

"OK." He squeezed her hand again. "So now what?" He could barely contain his smile.

"Now?" She looked a little tentative, like she had something to say but didn't want to say it.

He studied her for a moment. "You need to eat, don't you?"

"I could use a little som'thin' som'thin'." She said coyly embarrassed that her physical needs could interrupt this discussion.

"You know that old saying about eating for two is a myth." He said playfully brushing some strands of hair away from her face.

"You worried about me getting fat?"

"You could use a few pounds, but … well … not too many."

"You going to monitor my diet?"

"Sarah, I will monitor everything there is about you – now that you will let me."

"Harm." She warned. "I don't need a caretaker. I can take care of myself."

"You don't have to anymore … you have someone who will watch over you now."

She liked the sound of that. Not the care taking part, but the part that made her believe she was no longer alone in the world.

He nodded. "We are going to be great Mac … the hard part is over."

"Yeah." She smiled. For the first time she actually felt that the hard part was over and that they would be great.

"Let's go … will take you to a great place for brunch … all you can eat."

"Sounds good."

He wrapped his arm around her and led her to the door. Just before they exited he looked down into her face. "I do love you Sarah … and not just because of the baby."

"I know … and I know we would have found our way to each other some how with or without this child."

"You think?"

"I do. I love you, Harm. I always have and I always will."

He wrapped his arm around her, leaned down and kissed her.

She pulled herself to him and held on for dear life. "Don't let go." She whispered.

"Not a chance." He whispered back.

Both their eyes were wet and both voices were cracking. They were finally allowing themselves to FEEL and not think. The moment was interrupted by Mac stomach growling. They each laughed easily. He kissed her.

"Get dressed." She told him.

He did quickly and as he was leading her out, he looked back into his apartment before he closed the door. It wasn't that much of a mess and with the two of them working together … it would be straightened out in short order. He smiled. Life was finally taking the turn that felt right. He closed the door behind him. They would deal with the mess after they ate.

THE END of THE BEGINNING


End file.
